The New Road

Theres a time in life when you have to make tough and critical decisions that could really be responsible of how well things are secured in the long run. Never thought I would come across such decisions, but the time has come.

As I enter the ripe age of 22, I'm out of college, and spending my days looking for a job. Not going to lie, it's been really tough. I google and look for jobs, and a lot of these jobs aren't even entry level even though they say it is. It's funny because I see "entry level job" and the requirements say that you need lie 3 years experience. Funny, and sad.

Lately since I've been out of school and without a job, I've been having a lot of free time. Its always nice to hang out with close friends, and enjoy meals and talks. Its really nice to not worry about having class the next day knowing that you're done with school for life (or maybe until grad school can come into the picture). Its also nice to enjoy the things I normally like to do, such as going to the gym and working out while not hesitating to make a decision to ditch class or not.

Other than that, yeah I haven't been too productively lately. While having a deep conversation with my dad the other day, he told me that life has 3 chapters. He said I completed the first one, which was graduating college. The second chapter he told me referred to my career. I asked him if its supposed to be this hard finding a career. He just responds back saying thats up to your effort. He told me that these upcoming months ahead of me are crucial in the long run and that I need make sure that nothing hinders me from succeeding.

As a I plan to take my first actuary license exam, I came to a conclusion that I need to stop a certain habit. That main habit is something I really don't want to give up, but its hanging out and socializing with people. Although it is a good thing, it also has its bad because I've been overdoing it and wasting time as well. Its weird because I'm such an extrovert, but I realized that it also came to be my biggest weakness as well. I never studied jack crap in college, and always relied on my procrastination skills (which really didn't do me too well). But at the same time, I'm glad that God taught me a valuable lesson in procrastinating. Please don't attempt to do what I say hahah, but while actually taking a full day to just study, I learned so much and so quickly after not feeling pressured with time. I guess all that procrastinating in college really did come to my advantage now that I can learn quicker in a short amount of time, but this time having all the time I need.

Back to the main point, what I'm trying to say is that I need to complete this journey ALONE. It's really up to me whether I want to succeed or not. While I was in Cambodia, I promised a dear brother that just became a pastor that I'd help him financially and go back one day to build a church with him. Not only that, my dad also told me to really work hard and support my future family well, as the economy really is getting worse and worse. I also came to realize how much my dad gave up for me, my bro, and my mom to live so well the past 20 something years, and I want to do the very same. Even right now as we're going through a finance crisis, my mom told me something that seriously inspired me. My mom told me that my dad not only worked hard for our sakes, but for other family members and friends as well. He helped my uncle who was facing a finance crisis, paid medical bills for a sick friend who faced cancer and a divorce, helped churches by donating over thousands of dollars for missions and God's glory. And even to this day, even though my dad has no job, sells his 90K car, gives up his own luxurious expenses for our family's sakes. When I asked him how he pulled off such things, he just told me that God leads, but its up to you if you want to follow.

So, to end this blog, I'm going to dedicate the next 2+ months studying for my actuary exams and passing them for God's glory. So I'll be deactivating Facebook, stop checking Tumblr, and sadly I'll be cutting hanging out and socializing by 99%. Even lately I've been realizing that some people are in huge danger in the future as they're wasting their lives away in this turmoil economy. I don't want my future family to go through crisis and I will fulfill the promise I made to my friend. In order to make this all possible, I need to take advantage of how I start off and really take initiative. Even though people can mess up in school, there's always redemption by studying harder. But, if you don't take initiative and action in your future career and just loaf around in this ridiculous economy thats bound to get much much much worse, theres really no hope and no second chance as well. I wouldn't be surprised if I see homeless Asians out in the streets 10 years from now, and I can already see it being very possible by how their living their lives right now.

To sum this up, I don't want anything to hinder and distract my focus. Not going to post this on Tumblr, or Facebook, and I hope people will just forget my existence the next 2 months. The only thing that I will check is email, and sure I'll make the time to respond back to emails. I don't mind having lunch with people once in a while, but yeah I won't be around too much. I hope y'all can understand, and probably people are gonna be hella confused why I'm isolating myself so suddenly. I just hope I don't get calls and texts why I deactivated Facebook and why I'm not around lately. I guess for people that really do care, I appreciate that. But other than that, I don't know who'll read this. Probably my closest friends and people that care. Thanks guys for understanding, and if you really do need to get in touch with my for any reason, just email me at bryan.sk.kang@gmail.com or just call my cell. Even though I'll be on a really strict timing schedule, I'll make some time for those that actually care =].

Long Time No See Bloggg

It's been a while since I updated this thing. I don't know if anyone still uses blogspot now that everyone seemed to move on to Tumblr. Yet, I'm going to continue to write on this because this is where I will post up more deeper and personal things on here anyway. To me, I guess this is like a personal diary now since not many people would be reading this.

So far, its been about 4 months into 2011. So far its been a real blessing. I graduated UC Irvine with a BA in Business Economics with a minor in International Studies. I really thank my parents for putting me through school and working hard to keep me in school. I've also been blessed to go on STEM. Last year it was really tough to deal with, but I'm so thankful and blessed that God gave me a second chance and I can't be any happier than I am now. I'm also really thankful that I'll be going to Japan this summer to do kingdom work for God and I want to give it my very best and all for the people of Japan as they're facing tough times since the devastating earthquake.

Although I wished I could have just ended my post there with all the blessings, once again I'm faced with huge challenges. Recently my dad lost his job and right now our family is going through a huge financial crisis. Right now we're in the process of moving out to a smaller house and right now I'm paying off all my bills and expenses. One thing I couldn't get off my head was when I realized how much money could have been well invested if I just did my absolute best in school. My dad worked his frkn heart off and probably spent a good $70,000 on me to go to school, yet all I did was slack and goof off during my time in school. I even made things worse myself when I gave up on graduate school just because I couldn't get any financial support. I could have still tried really hard and try to pull off some scholarships, yet I still chose to gave up. Many people wondered why I suddenly stopped trying in school, why I started to ditch class the entire quarter, and pretty much took school like nothing. I always told everyone that "I didn't care about school", and that "I was just lazy." Yes, I was able to pull off some good grades whatnot, but the reason why I stopped trying was not because of the things I said. I suddenly gave up because I so depressed that I wasn't going to graduate school. I made plans since my sophomore year, was getting ready, researching on everything I could, and towards my junior year when I found out that it wasn't financially possible for me, I threw it all away out of agony and depression. I always told people that I didn't care and was just lazy, but the real reason I gave up was because I was tormented inside and felt like everything was just pointless for me.

When I found out that our family was going through a financial crisis, it really put a huge burden of guilt in my heart. I seriously felt like a waste of money and time after I graduated school. I could have done so much better, yet I chose to just not try and gave up so easily. Even though God blessed me with a career path to go into actuary, I still felt like such a failure and shame to everyone, especially my family. I always joked around and it seemed like I was happy when I tell people that I didn't try in school, but really deep down inside, I was so filled with guilt. Thinking of myself as failure just reminded me of the things I did in the past. It only put more and more guilt into my heart. I've seriously done the stupidest and shadiest things possible, and I always blamed it on my rough childhood for making me become so heartless.

This past Sunday, God truly broke me. When Pastor Jeff spoke on the Second Coming of Christ and focused on the urgency of getting prepared, it really reminded me more of what I should have done in college. During the intercession of prayer, PJeff asked for those that felt like a failure to raise their hands and stand up before God. Literally, I felt like the most absolute biggest failure and sinner before God. When PJeff said that God doesn't view me as a failure, I did my absolute best to hold back my tears. I haven't shed a single tear since high school and always thought that crying in front of people is only what a weak man would do. When some people were putting their hands while praying for me, I tried even harder to hold back my tears. Slowly and slowly, my eyes were watering and eventually I broke down in heavy tears. I was not only crying, but actually raining in tears. People were praying really hard for me, and I even heard someone praying in tongues for me. I think that was the most I've ever repented in front of God. I've repented a few times, but never out of sorrow and desperation in tears.

What God told me that day was to just follow his lead, because his lead will never fail. This past month, I was researching on entry level actuary jobs and realized that California is definitely not the place for entry level actuary jobs. Even right now, it's becoming more and more imminent that I'm probably going somewhere in the East Coast for the entry level actuary job. I can't imagine just leaving EVERYTHING behind and going to a city I've never lived in while knowing absolutely nobody there. Yet, I was relieved when God showed me a vision on that Sunday. God showed me that even though I may be out of California for possibly a year or two, God will send me back to California once I faithfully fulfill my duties in the East Coast. I'm actually excited for whatever is ahead of me. Today I found out that there are quite a few entry level actuary jobs in New York City. Started researching on the apartments I can possibly live in and its finances as well. If I happen to go to the East (or even better miraculously find an actuarial job in So. Cal), I just pray that I will never doubt God for whatever happens. God already showed me that I'll be back in So. California, get a permanent home and job in So. Cal, get married in So. Cal, raise my kids where I grew up, and best of all, being able to go to Sarang Community Church in Anaheim to worship God. More than anything, I pray that God will continue to shape and mold me so that I will be able to give it my very best and all for God's kingdom to come. I need to always be reminded that Jesus will come back unexpectedly, and I need to be prepared for that glorious day to come. Even though it may not come in my lifetime, I need to make sure that everyone around me (such as my kids and their future generation to come, coworkers, friends, etc) in the future will be aware of this because that is what a kingdom worker does for the glory of God.

Other than that, that's all I have left to say. I have no clue when I'll update this blog again and I have no clue who'll read this. But seriously, for those that read it, I'm so blessed and thankful for you guys actually caring about me. You guys should tell me that you read my blog so that I can pray for you guys as well hahah. This was a long entry, and I can't believe some of you guys actually take the time to read it. But anyways, let's all be urgent and ready for whatever God has in store for all of us.

2010: Looking Back, Smiling.

2010 was not a easy year at all for me. A lot of failures, chaos, unfortunate happenings, and so on. Yet, it's the only year I was able to overcome many obstacles and prepare for what's ahead. On the real note, I didn't like 2010 overall. Yet, the only reason why I came to love it is the fact that it really taught me the knowledge and wisdom I'll desperately need for the years to come.

I guess the big highlights of 2010 was me basically failing in almost all aspects of life and going through the unluckiest and most unfortunate events overall. I got kicked out STEM cuz of my temper problems after miraculously being able to go, had a tarnished image at church, had a really bad relationship with my dad once I got kicked out of STEM cuz I told him that I sacrificed an internship to do STEM, had to rearrange my entire schedule and ended up having the most ridiculous spring quarter of my life, woke up everyday pissed off during that time span, threw huge temper tantrums, lost quite a few friendships, getting judged out of nowhere, starting smoking again after quitting for a year, getting my recomm leadership app rejected, struggled to find my normal personality after being so lost in life, hopes of grad school ended along with the CPA license since dad retired and can't support me (also realized that a CPA career wasn't for me), found out that my family's really struggling financially to the point where we might have to move real soon, and I can't believe I still could write more to this chaos but I'll end it here.

All this, all these failures, all these events leading to another event, it was seriously by far so tough to deal with, especially with people around you knowing it.

I asked God why all this had to happen. I asked God was this necessary. I asked God why did it have to be me. Last week while listening to my ipod and lying on my bed for a good 2 hours reflecting and reminiscing deeply, all those memories and flashes of 2010 blended together and God finally showed me why all this had to happen, why it was necessary, and why it had to happen to me.

1. I got kicked out of STEM because of a huge anger issue deep inside me. I think because of my rough childhood, it all built up and I ended up becoming a heartless and merciless person. Even if I was given another chance for STEM, maybe things might have been different, but it definitely wouldn't have solved the core problem that was deep inside of me. What I learned was that the only permanent cure to anger is love. I had so many relational problems with people, and I found it so hard to love people that hurt me deeply from the past. Even though people that hurt me might have caused me to become an angry person, the only way I can fix my angry self was to overcome those mental attacks. I prayed with little faith at first for this to be made possible. But slowly, I was able to start new friendships. And eventually, I was able to start friendships with those I thought it would have been virtually impossible to make peace with after the magnitude of clashing and fighting in the past. I can look back and say getting kicked out of STEM was horrifying, but the end result to it was far greater in joy and treasure than the nightmares.

2. I got my recomm leadership app rejected because I lacked so much maturity and was pretty much a bad example for the younger class. Honestly, it was pretty much common sense to say that "What kind of a Recomm leader would smoke cigarettes and is completely obnoxious at times?" At first, I really did have the heart to serve Irvine Recomm until I realized that I can't really put it to use unless I clean out the negatives on what taints the things inside my very heart. I started smoking after quitting for a year cuz of all the stress and depression I received earlier, and this was by far the most addicting I ever got it to. It put me to over 6 year mark of smoking, and quitting smoking was starting to become like a very unlikely fairy tale story. So bad to the point where one day I smoked six cigarettes in a row without realizing anything until Wesley told me straight up that it was frkn serious. And even bad to the point where my dad came up to me and asked how many packs I was smoking since he saw my credit card bill, which showed that I spent $200 one month on just cigarettes and replaced it with food pretty much. Quitting after an addiction this horrifying was probably the toughest challenge in terms of fighting my flesh. But one thing I learned most valuable was how powerful accountability, prayer, and especially the Word really is. Reading the Bible can really strengthen your flesh through words of wisdom and having your friends praying and looking out for you encourages you to keep on fighting. It's been a good 2 and a half months now since I've been off it. There's been some times where I was so close to falling, but was able to overcome those piercing temptations. Thus, I saw why I got my leadership app rejected. I wasn't ready at all until I was able to overcome cleaning out what was in my heart first the hard way.

3. Recently I found out that my family's struggling financially for the first time. I remember my mom constantly telling me to pray for my dad because he was coming home loaded with stress and frustration from a really slow business cycle. One day it got bad to the point where dad told mom that he couldn't feel the right side of his body because of how pissed off and stressed out he was. And on Thanksgiving day, it was then dad finally told the family that he's going to retire and that we're going to have to move soon to a smaller home. What made it worse was that I found out that dad couldn't support me at all with grad school and my road to getting a CPA license. Then I researched on alternate ways to get a CPA, but after reading about what a CPA career is really like, I decided that getting $50K in debt cuz of grad school for a CPA career I wouldn't enjoy like the frustration dad was going through wasn't really worth it after all.

This one really threw a huge curveball at me. I felt like I wasted all those times I was getting ready for the GMAT's and sending all these internship resumes to get an accounting internship/job. I really prayed hard for this one, and God showed why this had to happen. After majoring in Business Economics with a minor in Intl Studies, I took classes such as Calculus, Statistics, Economic Theory, Finance, Econometrics, and all these classes which I thought would be completely useless. Yet, these classes also would have been completely pointless if I were to go to USC grad school of accounting since accounting and economics are not really related. Then I said to myself, "What kind of a frkn jobs are out there that's related to like Econometrics, Econ theory, and Finance?" Decided to google and research it out of stupidity, and I was shocked by the perfect answer. There actually is a job out there that uses all the classes that I thought I would find no use to life. Ironically, this job is called an actuary (sounds funny, cuz I was like there "actually" is a job like that???") What made it a really clear answer was that I didn't need to go to grad school for this, and after researching this job, I realized that this is a job that I'll not only enjoy, but something I can really master through hard work. I've made a commitment to pursue this job to help my family financially and also glorify God's name by being a really hard kingdom worker. I really hope God will speak and work through me as I work with nonchristians in the working field as well.


Hahah that was quite a reflection. I've also decided to write this on my blogspot instead of my Tumblr since I wanted to keep more personal and deeper things on here anyway. I don't know if anyone would read anything this long, but for those that did hahah wow, thanks for caring. Also for those that read it (a very few I suppose), please keep me in prayers. Even though it was a rough year of 2010, I can look back smiling at it and enter the new year prepared for what's ahead.

Impossible of the Impossible Made Possible

These days I really feel like God is really removing the biggest stones in my heart and really trying to show me that even the impossible of the impossible can be possible.

First off, have you ever had someone in your life you truly hated from the bottom of your heart? Have you ever had someone you encountered in life that you thought making peace was virtually impossible?

I don't know about you, but I sure did. When I look all the way back to high school, all I could see in myself was full of hatred towards some people and full of hatred towards me. I guess high school is a time when immaturity is at its peak and two people and two peaks just happens to clash.

Throughout summer, God was slowly working with me on how to battle bitterness/hatred towards people. I knew that with some people, it was always possible if you really work together and truly reconciling. And obviously, that was the easy part. Talk, apologize, forgive, and start new friendships. Its actually really easy if its somebody you don't know as well and just had a slight misunderstanding with. Even at first I thought it was hard, but somehow someway things just miraculously happened to work out. That's one example

Now just imagine. Literally one of those people who you thought that there was ABSOLUTELY no way to reconcile because of the impact and magnitude of the hatred and chaos that happened between you and that person. Hating and being hated by that person. Doing the most shadiest things to that person, while the shadiest of things strikes back at you. From freshman year in high school to the end of high school, you and that person clash, argue, talk crap, fight, and consider them one of the few you won't be able to forgive. And at the end of high school graduation, you two are off to different colleges and go different ways. You think its over then, and true it kind of is. I felt relieved because I was able to start a new life at UCI with absolutely nobody I clashed with in high school. From freshman year in college to junior year in college, I never saw that person again.

Today however ended that 4 year of not seeing that person. I just happened to randomly go out at night for a smoke. Then I realized that I was out of soap in my house, so I decided to go to Albertsons to go buy some. I grab the soap from the counter, head to the cashier, and guess who I see. Right in front of me is that person. In a flash, brings back all those memories. All those memories of what I did to that person, and all those memories of the chaos and catastrophe that happened throughout high school. We make eye contact, and I already assumed something big was going down. I gave the worst glare I could possibly give, and he looked back and asked, "What the? Bryan?" I reply, "Yeah." I was anticipating on what he was going to do next. Literally I thought it was going down right in front of the cashier. I clinch my fist, get ready to strike, and the most unimaginable of the unimaginable happens. He brings out his hand, and says "Dude, good to see you man." In my mind I was seriously like "Wait, this can't be right. Still gotta be on my guard." I was so sure something bad was going to happen to the point where it felt like I was going all in with a royal flush in my hand and there was no way I would be wrong. Impossible of the impossible, I was wrong on my anticipation. We ended up talking, and amazingly a new friendship was formed. I'm sitting here typing this right now and I still can't believe what just happened. Can you imagine, just randomly going to a market at night just to get soap and you end up making peace with someone that you thought was virtually impossible and you feuded enormously since you were a freshman year in high school. That imagination for me, actually became a reality. One of the BIGGEST stone in my heart, is finally removed. God just gave me a big WOW to my head. Truly, God really does do some of the most mind-boggling things in life.

I always thought that the saying of "Anything is possible" was just a dream. Its starting to actually become a reality now. It really opened new doors of opportunity to the impossible obstacles I can overcome. Impossible obstacles such as quitting smoking, my inhering bitterness and thoughts on girls being really shady, getting over that inhering bitterness towards girls and actually giving me thoughts on starting a relationship again, getting into USC Grad school with the grades I have right now, rebuilding my image I ruined a couple months ago, and even becoming a Recomm leader even though my app got rejected. Most importantly, more than anything else, it all starts with my walk with God. I was doing so well earlier in the year, climbed so high, and hit rock bottom. I was trying so hard to come back up and came to the point where I gave up because nobody wanted to accept me as the same person I was when I was doing spiritually well. Slowly, God was taking baby steps with me, showing me what to do in the long run before I make any big jumps. Really, I don't know where I am to be honest. But one thing I know for sure is that its not me or anyone else that'll make these dreams possible. It's only up to God and I know for sure that whatever happens now, it will be the best for my growth and how I will learn to properly serve the Lord with all my heart.

A Decision

No im not Lebron James. LOL, but ironically there was a decision I've been wrestling with the past months or so.

First of all before I get into this, I really want to thank everyone who looked up to me and really built such great friendships over the past couple years in ecollege. Ever since coming to ecollege in my sophomore year in college, I feel like God has blessed me so much through this ministry and yet God still provides so much more than what I need. You guys who supported and encouraged me even in my darkest moments in life are the ones that truly saved me from a nightmare I could have possibly fallen completely into. Seriously, you guys have no idea how much I truly care and love for you from the bottom of my heart.

Second, the decision I've been wrestling with is becoming a recomm leader. To me, it was devastatingly surprising how so many of you guys actually think I would be a great leader despite all the trouble I caused the past months. At first, I really thought you guys were just saying it out of encouragement for me to feel better. But I realized you guys were serious, and its still hard for me to understand and soak it all in. I'm very shocked, and at the same time very encouraged with all your words.

I hope you guys understand my decision and I will do my best to explain and elaborate on this decision. After much praying and talking to the staffs and pastors, I realized its best for this ministry and myself if I don't become a recomm leader this upcoming year.

It's really tough for me to not give back what my previous leaders have given to me in Irvine recomm and this ministry. It's really disappointing for me as well after people had so much expectations from me, and all I can say is that I've decided not to do it. Really though, I'm going to be brutally honest as I can in this post. Some of you guys will find this really shocking, and might think of me differently. But definitely you guys will understand why its best for this ministry and myself why I shouldn't be a recomm leader.

A lot of people have different opinions about me. Some think I'm a friendly and good guy that likes to help people with their struggles and do what I can to encourage them. Others think I'm a mean and prideful "respect-me" that won't approach others and could care less about trying to be friends with people that never approach me. I think both answers are true. I realized I'm only good to the ones that get along great with me. To the others I don't have much contact with or can't get along well with, yeah I don't really approach them and do really care less. To me, that already blows enough whether I would be a leader or not. It really hinders my growth and walk with God as well as my relationship with everyone in the ministry as a whole.

People say to me that nobody is fully ready to become a leader. True, but to me I think it's not a matter of me "to become a leader." I think what's the MOST IMPORTANT matter to me is my personal growth and walk with Jesus. I think a lot of people, including myself, misunderstood that if you want to grow, you have to join leadership and serve. To be honest, yeah I do think it helps your growth, but for me, I was in leadership last year and I thought I grew a lot the past year. If you noticed, look how I said "I thought I grew." Its hard for me to say, but the entire past year, even with joining Servant Team and Discipleship Training, I was only fed knowledge on the word and got the driving motivation to go out and spread the Gospel. Yet, I wasn't able to apply anything I learned into my own life because I was only focused on trying to serve and help the ministry. I had huge stones deep inside my heart that was really blocking my personal growth that I never realized. These huge stones consisted of bitternesss from my past, pride, hatred, temper problems, and an unknown violent rage I didn't even know that existed in my heart. All these stones were like gasoline that was constantly leaking in my heart. If I had realized it sooner, I would have tried to confess to people and to God about these issues and take it more seriously. Unfortunately, I didn't take it seriously at all because it seemed like a lot of other people were going through the same issues that I did, so I thought this was normal. And I got the worst of it, that leaking gasoline struck on fire and everything burned and crumbled away. Everything that was going good went bleak, and I was living a nightmare I didn't anticipate at all because things were going so well.

Rather than becoming a leader, I feel like these issues I need to take care of is much more important. When I think about it, its true many leaders aren't fully qualified when first joining. However in my case last year, I was totally unqualified to begin with, joined leadership, found out that I wasn't capable, thought that everything became a waste, caused a wreck in the ministry, and was on the sharpest verge to leave church forever and find a new life somewhere else. If you guys can understand by now, its really dangerous for this ministry and more for myself if I were to risk becoming a leader at the current state I'm in right now. It was hard for me to listen that I just wasn't ready, but knowing the truth seriously opened the new gates of a wonderful opportunity I'm about to receive. I can finally attempt to get rid of these stones hindering my growth and really focus on deepening my own roots with Jesus.

One day when those roots truly nourish, I'll finally be able to have a fire for God that can't be burnt out as easily. I hope all of you guys can truly understand this. Even though some of you guys have things to say to change my mind, I'll be thankful for the encouragements but it won't change this decision. I'm more than willing to still be the same brother I would be whether I become a leader or not. I'm more than willing to still be the same friend that you guys can turn to, because I'll still be more than willing to listen and help anyone thats struggling or needs accountability. I'm more than willing to still be that chill and carefree boy who's down to do anything at anytime for the sake of having fun and building deeper friendships. For those that took the time to read this, I thank you first for taking the time to actually read what I wrote and because you care for me. But secondly and most importantly, please pray for me to take this very seriously.

Fall Hard, Get Back Up Harder, Give it Your Hardest. Not Alone, but With God

This chaotic academic quarter finally came to an end a week ago. It seriously was a living nightmare for me. The ending for that quarter? Didn't eff up, but I'm definitely disappointed. Do I blame the fact that there were other things that could have hindered my performance? No, the only person I blame is me only.

Also, these days I really feel like I have my image ruined for some reason. People don't view me the same as the past year. They seem to look at me differently, treat me differently, and definitely think of me differently. Its been tough to deal with on the spotlight and the public stage. I feel like a lot of people questioned about how much I fell over the past few months. Really though, its been excruciatingly tough. It even got to the point where my dad questioned why I wasn't going to church the other day and a day later he found cigarettes in my car. I don't even want to explain what happened after that moment. Despite all the catastrophe that's happened at home, church, and school, what I've learned from all this is to stay even. Not to get too frustrated and angry to the point where I start hating those people who judged me and backstabbed me. Not to get too depressed and start looking for a new life somewhere else. Just stay mentally tough, keep getting hit and endure, knowing that God's by my side always and carrying me through these tough times. One story that Paul told at his graduation was that when people look back at life they question to God "why is there only one trail of footsteps during the toughest times? I thought you were walking along beside me?" Then God answers "its not that I was not with you, I was carrying you through those crucial times." Right now, I feel like I am being carried. Heck if I wasn't being carried, where and what the heck would I be and be doing right now.

Even though all this had to happen, I found a career path I want to follow and hope that one day I will be successful and do my very best for my wife and kids in the near future as well as serving God by supporting churches and missionaries in financial struggles to help them break that financial curse in order to bring glory to God's kingdom. I lived a good life thanks to my hardworking dad and loving mother. Despite the obnoxious roars and yelling I got from my dad that other day, I knew that it was because he truly cared about me and did it purely out of love. I feel like its the same with my heavenly father. To be honest, I don't view everything that's happened the past months as a punishment, but rather for me to learn something far greater that outweighs the chaos thats been happening. I haven't found the exact reason all this had to happen, but I definitely seeing a lot of signs and clues why all this had to happen.

I REALLY HATE to admit this from the bottom of my heart, but I'm going to say it anyway. I was the biggest drama king this year. If you didn't know, there's one thing I avoid at all cost, and that is drama. I never like to get involved with other's people crap. I never like to even be in one myself. I always try to end it by telling both sides to shut up or something. However, I guess all those times I called other people drama kings and queens finally came to me to experience. It sure wasn't a pretty one at all. I always thought I could end it quickly, but it only dragged on due to unfortunate happenings. Yet at the same time, you learn so much more from failures while you learn nothing from success because nobody is perfect, and it takes failures to learn how to succeed.

Starting this summer, I realized I need to make changes as well. How I treat certain people, my attitude, my smoking addiction, study habits, spiritual life, academics, that stupid "respect me" heart motive (yeah, everyone should know..), my stupid inhering hatred of girls (ok i don't hate every single girl i know, but I'll say like i hate like 70% which is pretty bad), that mentality when I think I can take on anyone because I'm physically capable (however, I do want to bench press 300 pounds by end of summer...), break that "he looks scary" thing (I don't get why though...), and definitely have a more solid and consistent walk with God. I feel like this last one I listed should be the first, then I'm sure God will guide me with the rest of the list. Rest assured, I'll say this as my final words for this post, can't wait to finally go to a Sunday service after 3 months of missing out.

A Dream

Found out what I wanted to do in life. One day I hope to live a dream that I didn't think was possible. Yet, even looking at all this, it only twists my perception of what I really should be doing in life. Sure, who doesn't want to be successful and want all this. But does that really define happiness in life? I don't know about what you may think, but to me, none of this doesn't matter. I'd give all this up even if I had the money to help those really in need. Family, close friends, and most importantly for God's kingdom. People may think I'm a fluke because I grew up in a financially well off family my whole life. However, seeing my friends and their family struggle financially is excruciatingly painful. Seeing overseas missionaries not being able to spread the gospel because of financial issues is more painful.

So finals week is next week. When I was looking at these pictures, I actually got a motivation to study for once. However, after realizing that all this wouldn't have mattered, the real motivation I saw was from what I posted above. Its scary how I'm really close to graduating now and entering the real world. People always stress about how hard it is to get jobs and stuffs. Yes, its true that the unemployment rate in the US today is at 12%. Is that a big deal? Heck yeah, that's frkn high. But how I look at it is this. In opposition, the employment rate is 88%. How does that sound? Very prestigious. Yet, can't get too complacent about it neither. I've got my parents I want to support later on, so that my dad can finally retire after working nonstop with an illness I don't want to go into detail about. I've got a future wife and kids I want to strive everything I got for, because it's not fair for me to grow up well off and have my kids live the complete opposite of how I grew up. I want to teach them the same thing how my parents taught me when it comes to money, "learn to give later on, since we gave you what you needed." Also, there's a financial curse out there I want to break in the mission field. There's just too many people out there who aren't saved. Having those people die and go to hell without even given a chance is just unbearable for me to handle. Even though I wanted to have that missions role this summer, I guess bad things just had to happen for a reason. What hurts is that I might never have another opportunity to go on my first overseas mission. It hurts when you desperately want to go and spread the gospel to those that never heard about it and you get that all taken away from you. I might not have another chance because I could possibly enter the workforce right away. Hopefully that won't be the case, and from what I'm anticipating at, I don't think I will enter the workforce right after anyway.

So it was a rough first half of 2010 for me. Its already June and finishing off my 3rd to last quarter at UCI. By the way, I know I missed church for like the last 3 months now. Despite people hating me for what I did, close friends rejecting me, twists to what happened, and all that bull, I don't care what people say when I show myself real soon. People don't probably understand how much pain and chaos I went through after getting kicked out of STEM and its that misunderstanding that probably causes people despising me. I also think its a good lesson for me too. A lot of times, I tend to take sides between a fight within two people because I only listen to one side of the story. Next time I should look into both sides and see how a resolution can be done instead of taking one side even though I may be backing up a close brother or sister.

Yet even though I wrote all this, I know that I can't do all this with my own willpower. You can probably guess what I mean by this. It's God that makes all things possible, not you or me.

Climbing Back Up

Haven't updated in a while. Mind as well update since I have some free time for once.

As of right now, academically its really tough for me. I've never faced anything like this with 4 upper division major classes that would be so ridiculously hard with the most insane professors. Yet at the same time, I'm learning a lot and the challenge I'm facing might pay off later on. Didn't do too well on midterm, but didn't do too bad (thank God for curves hahah).

As of life in general, things were excruciatingly painful and rough the past months. Church, family, people, school, and pretty much everything was going wrong. However, I felt like today was one day where I can honestly admit that I was joyful and free from pain for once. It's been about 2 months since I haven't gone to church or recomm because of the personal issues and struggles I was facing. Thankfully because of all the prayer support and encouragements people have been blessing me with, I've decided to at least come back to recomm as a first step. While I was slowly walking to recomm, I won't lie, a lot was going through my mind. I was extremely nervous, hesitant, ashamed, embarrassed, and scared to show myself in front of my entire recomm after all that's happened. However, right went I came in, the only thing I got from my recomm was the warmest welcome I could have possibly received. I've never felt so welcomed and blessed to have brothers and sisters that truly accept and love me for completely who I am. Words can't explain the overflowing joy and relief I was feeling when all I saw was smiles and open hands. Throughout the past months, people I considered my friends seemed to turn their backs on me; getting judged by other people; not getting invited to some hangouts and special events; facing twists to that one incident; not knowing what to do with all that's been going on. However, all I can say is that there was one group of people that has been truly caring for me and missing me was the blessed Irvine Recomm. The only brothers and sisters that will support me and love me even though I've failed tremendously as a leader and brother in Christ. Even when I first came to Sarang, what initiated my spiritual life and devotion to Christ was the brothers and sisters that I grew with the past years in Irvine Recomm. I feel like this is a really good second start for me.

I know people have been saying that I could be a potential recomm leader one day and I've heard people say different and negative things about me becoming a recomm leader after that incident. All I'm going to say is that the negative things won't affect me at all anymore. I will dedicate myself to serve in Irvine recomm next year because I truly love every member in the recomm and want to do the very best for every brothers and sisters in the recomm. Even though as of right now I may not be ready, I really hope and pray that God will use me somehow and someway to change my heart and help me overcome my spiritual issues and struggles so that I will be ready to serve with a loving heart.

To my recomm, I truly thank you once again. I also apologize for all the troubles you guys might have been facing because of what I have done. And to others that's also been supporting me with prayer and keeping me accountable, I also truly thank you guys too for still accepting and loving me for who I am. You guys don't know how much it encouraged me when you guys said that I'm still the same to you and that you guys still considered me a loving and caring brother to you despite all that's happened. Thank you guys so much from the bottom of my heart.

I felt like today, I've made a huge recovery. However, I'm still recovering and still need prayer. This might sound stupid and nonsensical after what I just wrote but I still need some time off from church. I still feel like its not the right time to come back just because I made an earlier comeback with recomm. Honestly though, I don't think I'll be gone for too long. Who knows, maybe I might be back really soon or later than what others might think. I don't know, but I'll leave that one up to God. Right now I'm still weak and definitely not ready. However, I promise that I'll be back a whole lot stronger, renewed, and ready to face anything that's ahead of me. For now, I'm going to take things step by step instead of rushing things. Really though, I'm desperately missing a lot of people, especially those that have been really encouraging me and still loving me for who I am. Sometimes I just want to come back just to see those people. But I know that's completely wrong because that's not the reason why I should make any comeback. I need to have a renewed heart and be ready to serve God filled with the Holy Spirit. Until then, I'll focus on what I have to do first before making any hesitant moves.

Clarification

I don't update this often but I do need to make some clarifications.

So it took me a while to finally realize that it wasn't anybody's fault for me not going on summer missions and all the chaos that's been going on. It was completely my own fault because of my own anger problems and immaturity. There were a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication that lead to all these troublesome issues. From what I've heard, I heard that people are taking sides and there have been other broken relationships and whatnot because of what happened. Let me clearly emphasize just once, there was a reconciliation and an agreement to peace. I don't have anyone to blame for what happened to me because I was the one who failed to change the circumstances and instead I was being controlled by them. I'm also not holding any grudges about anything except the fact that I was stupid and could have done better. For people that took sides, there's no point to do so now because there was a reconciliation and both of us ended this misunderstanding by talking it out. If anyone that was on my side is pointing the finger, I'll tell you straight up to stop it now. I'm sure people that are pointing the finger at me, he would say the same thing.

Despite all that's happened, I can finally understand why all this had to happen. I have a huge spiritual issue right now and that is anger. Although I really wanted to serve on missions, leadership, and all these activities, I haven't been growing much because I have stones in my heart that's been blocking the roots to my spiritual growth. This reconciliation got rid of one big stone, but I still have other stones that's really blocking my spiritual growth. To be completely honest, I really don't want to list the other "stones"/issues that's hardened my heart. And I won't go into much detail about it in public, but all I'm going to say is that I have grudges against a few people that pulled off really shady acts and pissed me off in the past. I'm in the process right now trying to forgive and love them. I also really hate to admit this one, but I'm also battling a huge cigarette smoking addiction that's completely taking over me. Its shameful to admit this in public, being a former leader and whatnot, but I'm only stating this one because I know its something I can't overcome through my own willpower. In other words, I'm asking for a lot of prayer. I feel like hiding my sins just like I did in the past will only make me worse.

Pretty much, life's really tough for me right now. This is the first time I'll admit this but school is insanely hard. I've always gotten by through school by giving minimal effort and sometimes did really well, but this quarter is not the case. If I were to carry on the same study habits, I would literally flunk all my classes. I guess I'm at that peak in college where all my classes just have to be insanely hard with the most ridiculous professors. Not going to lie, one thing I really fear is trying my best and failing. I'm not as bright as people may think I am, but to me that doesn't matter to me. To me, I really think that it doesn't matter if you're smart or dumb. I think what really matters is the effort that really determines how far you will go.

I know I said in my deleted post that I may possibly move to a different ministry. Let me make a clarification that it won't happen and it never will. Pretty much the devil was giving me stupid thoughts about all the bad things that been happening and I happened to be the retard that fell for it. However, I'm still lost spiritually and feel like I'm broken into different pieces. I'm trying to find these broken parts in me and renew myself to be stronger mentally and spiritually. When the time comes, I'll know when to come back. Until then, I need to be really patient and focus on what I have to do first before making any actions to come back. I really don't know how long this will take, but I promise that I'll be back a lot stronger than before. I also really wanted to thank everyone who've been really praying for me. I really feel like its your prayers that's keeping me intact and not losing complete sight of God. I also thank my closest friends for your words of encouragements and that you guys still view me the same as I was before. I guess one thing I learned from all this is that learning to make good judgments comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgments. Next time, I'll know what to do. Until then, I need to keep seeking the broken parts in me and really try to overcome these battles not by my own strength but by the power of the Holy Spirit.

My CRAPPY week that Lead to True Miracles

Here comes the monthly update hahah. Well so far 2010 was going pretty smoothly. Just the usual go to school, go to church, work out, chill, just live a good life.

However, this week I really fell super hard spiritually. I guess I burnt out dealing with so much going on. This entry might be super emo and depressing, so if your not interested in my life, then you mind as well read something more useful and better hahah.. However its amazing how the bad things that happen can turn out to be better things as well. All I can say that God showed me true miracles after what I thought would not work out at all.

On Monday, I got cut off on the final round of the Northwestern Mutual internship interview after having so much faith that I'll be able to pursue in one of the top 10 internships in the US. After I "thought" that God told me to do an internship this summer and do STEM next summer, I knew from there that God wanted me to go to STEM this year. Told my dad that on the phone, he straight up said no because of his awareness for my future. And what sucks was that I told my dad to have faith in me in getting this internship and spending my summer efficiently. Although I thought he'd be disappointed, he just told me to try harder and even ask him if I ever needed help in finding one. So my only option in order for me to go to STEM was to find a spring quarter internship, which however was almost an impossibility because of how impacted it already was.

On Tuesday after doing some QTs and prayer, it was then I realized that I made a huge mistake. I was struggling to make a decision between STEM and interning, but the truth was, I was actually making interning a priority because all I could think about was my future. I want to pursue in my future in doing good by financially supporting churches and missionaries, but honestly, what am I really doing? Why am I excusing myself from doing missionary work and just saying my excuse to "support" missionaries and churches. God never said to just to "support" but also as a commandment to "GO" make disciples. I also remembered that last summer, I had to choose between summer school or STEM. At that time, I remember I didn't even pray about it and just took summer school for my selfish purposes in graduating early. However, I ended up failing a huge pre-requisite class with a 72.8% while 73% was passing. That pretty much screwed me over and that's when I realized I should have gone to STEM, which is why I was really struggling with my decision for this summer as well.
I really felt broken for putting myself in the wrong direction to begin with. I prayed that night saying that, "let faith be my guiding light, and I know that you will make things work out somehow someway because you are my father and love me boundlessly."

From Wednesday to Friday I had to deal with three midterms (did two all nighters), two midterms which I think I did pretty well (thank God...). At the same time, I was stressing out because nothing was working out with coming to an agreement with my parents and everything seemed so hopeless. When it hit Friday morning after doing a 2nd consecutive all nighter, I was dreaded physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually. What made matters worse, the midterm on Friday literally was so bs that nobody finished while the person sitting next to me was on number 6 while there were 15 problems on the test. Just looking at everyone sad that they weren't even able to finish half the test really unleashed the anger inside of me. I actually went up to the professor and told him that this test (although we are able to drop 2 out of 5 tests) was *expletive bull and unfair. Pretty much lost it from there and what made matters worse was while I was walking to my next class, some idiot white boy bumps into me and starting messing with me. From there I was on the verge to draw that killer instinct but luckily one of his other frat boys breaks it up. I don't remember what went through my mind but all I know is that it lead me to go smoke a pack of cigarettes to calm myself down after quitting for more than a year (mad guilt tripping here and edited this portion to hide shame but it really didn't do any good...). What made it worse? I was smoking in front of my little brother being the worst example an older brother can possibly do. What's weird is while I was calming down and after talking with my bro, Wesley out of nowhere called me and asked if everything was alright. I also got a text from Eunice asking me if things were alright and that my talk with my parents will go well. I guess it was that moment when I realized that God was telling me everything was going to be alright even though it really didn't seem like it was going to be.

I went home feeling like everything was hopeless. I didn't even plan to go to the Servant Team meeting even though it was the night before Happy Together because I was dead tired, pissed off, emotionally unstable, and I thought I was going to have like a 4 hour talk with my parents about my summer. However, right when I got home, I sat down and told them the situation I was in for like 5 minutes straight. What shocked me completely was that all my dad said was "OK fine, just go." In my mind I was like WTF!?, so I asked him again if he was serious. Then he was like "yeah that's right shekki, I am serious." From there I knew that God was right beside me and helping me when I needed it the most. Even though I had the roughest week of my life, it was also the most blessing as well. I felt so overjoyed and ended up going to the meeting and everything ran smoothly at Happy Together as well. That wasn't the only miracle that happened. During DT, I got a call from the New York Life Insurance company and they offered me an interview for their upcoming internship during spring quarter this upcoming Wednesday. Hahah honestly, I wanted to cry out of joy, and if I was alone in my room, I would have (but I was in public, so nah... I was just overly happy inside =]).

What a hectic week it was. Scary how bad things can really get in such a short time span. All I can say is that the only thing that kept me from completely losing control at that one scary moment was my faith that was small as a mustard seed. I think you can guess what I'm trying to say here. In Mathew 17:20 is states that "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

I can say that this was a bad week, but I think I've grown tougher from it and learned so much in a short time span. Now I'm ready to go out and do work for God. However, I am still weak and still need to keep seeking the Lord and obeying his commandments. I found my path to go, and that's a faithful walk with the Lord.

2010: A New Decade and New Beginnings

Wow first post of 2010 already. Weird because I don't update this very often too, but I guess I'll update since I'm bored and have things on my mind.

I still can't believe I'm entering the third decade of my life. Now that I think about it, it's going to be one of the most different, fun, challenging, and changing decade. In other words, imagine graduating college and entering the work force, going to each other's wedding, possibly having kids and starting a family, and just living a completely different life in general. When it comes to the future, it scares me to be honest. I've been wondering about what I'll be doing in like 5 years, where I would live, how well I'll be doing in life, and where I would be spiritually too.

Originally, I was planning to graduate from UCI and enter the Marines as a military officer for a couple years before I actually start working. Once I told my parents that, they practically blew up just because of the fact that they don't ever want me to lose my life and having to bury their first son. Now that I think about it, I would feel the same way (wouldn't you?). I don't think I would let my first son join the marines and possibly face wars and even death. Luckily, my parents don't have to worry about this anymore. Recently my uncle told my dad that I can possibly get a job in the LG mobile department in San Diego once I graduate. If you guys didn't know, my uncle is the president and CEO of LG in Korea (surprising I know... hahah.) However, what really hit me was the real reason why I might possibly get this job. I heard my parents talking and I found out that they're trying to get me this job just because they don't want me to go to the marines. When I heard that, my heart just softened and really showed how much they care and love for me. I just feel blessed to have a family that really loves me. I guess I'm living in San Diego in like couple years? But then again, I wouldn't mind living in Irvine and commuting to work because I don't want to leave the place I call "home" and my beloved church =].

I give all my thanks to God for truly giving my so much more than what I really need. I'm also still pursuing in my promise to financially support churches and missionaries to break any financial struggles they are facing in their journey to building God's kingdom. I also want to support my loving friends in the future if they happen to face financial problems. It's weird to say but throughout the last year, I feel like the friends I made are the most loving and caring friends I had throughout the 20 years of my life. Throughout elementary, middle, and high school, friends came and went. At times it was my fault, at times it was their fault. Now that I think about it again, I don't have any friends I hang out today from high school, middle school, and elementary school. Its sucks and I felt really hurt and bad about back then. I'd hate to say this but now I'm happy because now I know the real meaning of friendship. Back then, I used to be the one that invites everyone over to my house, play games or w/e, always having to call them first to hang out while they never invite me, and tried to keep in touch by leaving fb comments or w/e. How come they never call me? How come they never invited me to hangouts? How come? The sad truth is, I dont think I meant much to them. I doubt they're even reading this and I bet even if any of them are, they probably don't care. I guess it really hit me when the friends I made the past year were the ones that would always call me to hang out, invite me to events, have real deep and intimate conversations, and basically love for who I am. I'm glad though that I went through all this because it made me tougher mentally and knowing the truth opens new doors and opportunities to redemption in life.

Other than that, a bible verse that motivates me is "The Lord is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me?" Psalms 118:6. I guess fear of my future is one thing that's been on my mind. But this verse really made me realize that I need to really seek the Lord and do my very best to pray and obey his commandments. Really, there is nothing to fear when you really love God. I'll break the curse of the financial crisis churches and missionaries are facing so that one day, everyone will know the blessed news that Jesus shed his blood and died on the cross because he loves everyone with no boundaries.

My thoughts/2009 Coming to an End

Life

is wonderful, challenging, rigorous, hard, chill, and random/unexpected. At times I love it, other times I hate it. But one fact nobody can deny is that life is beautiful because God has given it to us. This year has been the only year in the 20 years in my life where I can say that I was able to live my life without much stress and hardships. I have a loving God providing me with so much and answering so many prayers. I have a loving family that loves me for everything I pursue in and believes in me for doing such great things in life. I have a loving group of friends that really helped me become more mature spiritually and mentally because they loved me for who I am. So overall, life is great and thank God for everything. However, I still need God's presence and grace even though everything is great because I am still weak and need much more to learn.

Spiritually

I have come a long way, but still have even a longer way to go. I would have never thought that I would ever get involved in church to the point where I really want to serve God by any means and carry a leadership role to set a good example for the younger class. My leaders from the past year really sparked my fire for God and helped grow tremendously through church, recomm, etc. I still need to stay consistent in bible readings, QTs, and daily devotion to God. It's tough to stay consistent but I'm really happy that I've been able to really pursue in all those activities for the sake of enjoying and receiving God's blessing.

School

sucks. Hahah had to bold it because it is. In high school, I was so used to never studying and getting good grades. However, did the same thing in college and it took me 7 quarters to realize that I need to get serious about school. My parents asked me today how I did last quarter and I was so close to lying about my grades. But I just told them how I did, and what struck me hard was that they said they still believe in me and that I am capable of doing great things in life. I almost teared up when I heard that because not once in my life did my parents ever get mad at me for bad grades. I thought it was because I always did well in high school, but I realized that during junior high and elementary school where I would get a lot of Ds and Fs on my report card, they would always encourage me to try harder and even hire tutors that would help me on subjects I got Ds and Fs on. This upcoming quarter, I really want to dedicate it not for the sake of myself doing well, but really for my parents. It's weird how my parents are so opposite from other Korean parents, but at the same time I am very blessed and encouraged to try my very best this upcoming quarter.

Hobbies

Kind of random but I've been enjoying working out to a whole new level, basketball (as always hahah), dancing (breaking, locking, popping, etc.), and church =]. People always call me a work out freak and I admit I am. People always ask me why I work out so much, so mind as well answer that question. I love working out because it relieves me physically and mentally. After a rough day or good day, I love to finish the long day off by going to the gym for a couple hours, lifting weights while listening to my favorite songs. A lot of people think that I workout because I want attention or try to impress a girl or something, but really I workout a lot because it helps me stay focused mentally and motivates me internally. Basketball, not much to say other than that its a sport I love to pursue in and watch. Hahah ever since I met Kobe Bryant at the arc, watching and playing basketball got even more fun for me and I don't think I'll ever get sick of the game =]. Dancing is something I would have never expected to get into but I love it. It's fun to watch dance videos on youtube and try to re-create those moves while listening to my favorite songs and make new choreo off that. Finally, going to church is not only my favorite duty, but also my favorite hobby now. I bet if I went back in time and read this, I wouldn't believe any of this. It's weird to say this but honestly, I love hearing sermons. Sometimes I do fall asleep because I am tired and all but really hearing sermons excites me, teaches me, rebukes me, encourages me, and motivates me. Although I do love going to church for fellowship, sermons, and all that, I should be going to church for serving and praising God (which I do love to do, but I still need to work on).

Relationships

Weird to say on a blog post but it's been on my mind after hearing about it from Pastor Francis at retreat. To be honest, I'm pretty apathetic when it comes to relationships. The reason why I've apathetic and not interested in relationships is because throughout high school, my friends would ALWAYS talk about, eventually get girlfriends for the shadiest and most shallow reasons, and see some harsh breakups. People usually feel shame because they're single. But people don't realize that being single is also a blessing because you're single for the first 25 years or so, then the next 50 or something years you're married. Throughout high school, I thought girls were frkn shallow and shady because the girls I hung around with in high school would always want prince charming with the best looks, personality, physique, money, etc. It's so stupid to even hear that when they themselves are not princess perfect with everything I listed above. Yeah pretty much, I thought girls were frkn stupid and shady throughout high school. However, when I started coming to church, I did find quite a few that made me think otherwise. Sometimes I do find myself a little shallow when it comes to judging a girl on looks. To be honest, the only thing I find unattractive in a girls' looks is if they are pretty damn fat (not chubby, but FAT...) and that's reality. I don't think anyone would want to date a frkn obese and fat girl/guy even though that girl/guy has a good heart. Basically, if a girl/guy cant take care of her/his own body, than that girl/guy cant take care of his/her man/woman (sorry if I sound like I hate fat people, but I don't and only against fat girls in relationships). But what I do find in people is that they only go for the best looks and set standards too high when they themselves aren't even in those standards. To be honest, I don't think I'm all that good looking and always thought that all girls were frkn shallow and shady. That lead me to become apathetic, but I didn't lose hope. I guess ever since I came to church, it kind of gave me second thoughts on girls. I actually saw girls that have a sweet personality/character and are not as shallow. But the most important thing that Pastor Francis mentioned was I should look a girl that loves God and will help me to grow in Christ together, which I do think is true. I don't know if I'm spiritually mature to pursue in relationships, but I'll leave that up to God and he'll let me know when I'm ready and grant me with the woman that's best for both me and her.

Myself

People tell me that I've changed tremendously over the past year. It's really encouraging to hear stuff like I have great potential and are really good to people. However, I still feel like I need to grow more. I'm still "respect me" and a little bit of "love me" heart motivated and at times I see myself carrying the negatives too far. I'm usually the type thats chill with anyone and really nice to people that respect me. However, there are a few people I just can't get along with because they disrespect me while I try to respect them. Also I noticed that I usually don't make the first move and for some people that disrespect me for who I am, I won't care about those people and have my own circle of friends that I love. I kind of wish I had a "like me" heart motive, but growing up during elementary school, I used to get punked on and made fun of because of my short height while not having many friends. I guess that's why I'm a little bit of "love me" and a complete "respect me" because I practically grew up getting punked on everyday. However, that factor changed when I had like a 13 inch growth spurt before middle school and ended up being filled with hatred and animosity to those that punked on me since elementary school. I guess that also lead me to a lot of anger and pride issues during high school as well.
Although I've been able to grow this past year and change as a person, I still carry an image of myself that shows my personal weaknesses. A lot of people say that I don't look friendly, look scary, and really unapproachable. It's tough because really deep down inside, I want to be friendly and be approachable. But I guess God made me this way for a reason that I don't know. Maybe God made me this way because nobody will punk on me after those horrendous elementary school days. However, I guess one thing I need to pray about is breaking those negative heart motives such as not making the first move, feeling bitterness to those that disrespect me, and being apathetic to those that never even come up to me even though we hang out in the same group of friends.

More random thoughts about 2009

I just realized that today (December 24th, 2009) is my one year anniversary of quitting smoking cigarettes on a consistent daily basis. I still can't believe that I was able to pull through. I won't lie but there was an instance in summer where I had one really bad day and smoked a couple cigz, but overall, I was able to break my addiction that I struggled with all throughout high school and the first year of college. Who would have ever thought that a 5 year smoker like me will be able to quit smoking for an entire year? I had doubts in myself, but I know that God knew I was capable of doing it. I also realized that I haven't partied in a while. I think the last party I went to was like end of my freshman year. It feels good to have fun being sober and I was never really a fan of getting drunk at parties. I think partying is a waste of life. People may say that life w/o partying is boring and dull, but I find my life w/o partying to be much more fun and enjoyable. Also the last random thought on my mind is going on missions this year. Right now, I'm so indecisive because I need internships/jobs so badly during this summer because it's going to really determine my future job once I graduate. I've been praying about it and still not sure if I have an answer. But all I can say is that once I do graduate, I will have a period of time when I will be able to go out to missions for a month or so. However, I still need to pray about it and ask God what's best for me and my future that's up ahead.


Other than that, 2009 was a breakout year for me. Loved it and will miss it. But here comes 2010 and I'm ready for another breakout year.

Letting that shame go and moving forward.

Wow its been a while since I did these xanga things. Tried to update my xanga, but forgot my pw to it -_-. So I was like wtheck, I'll just make this instead =P.

I think my last xanga post was just about when I was about to graduate high school. So much has happened since then. High school was already a hell past for me. So much failures, regrets, drama, etc. I've always tried to cover up my past, tried to stay positive, but really deep down inside, I was literally dying inside. But, somehow, everything just turned out to be the best and I also never imagined myself to be where I am currently at in my life. It's weird life just completely turned around after such a cruel past.

This week at church, Pastor Jeff's sermon was on shame. It's been one issue I'm sure everyone including myself have tough times with. It's because of my shame that people view me differently. Some people think I'm a nice and funny person as of me in the present. Others view me as a shady and hypocritical because of what I did in the past. People are probably confused of who I really am because of my past. Although I really didn't want to do this because I'm so used to hiding my shame, I'm going to let it go, to show people who I was and what really happened in my life in such a cruel past, that actually helped me become who I am today.

Looking back since my freshman year at UCI, my life has been nothing but failures and I could say a lot of harsh, unlucky, and unfortunate events had to happen. I was never able to find a group of friends that never cared for me. I always had the potential to do really well academically every quarter, but I always ended up screwing at the very end. I was a terrible son to my parents and the worst possible example to my brother. I tried to be good to my friends in high school, tried to keep in touch by leaving facebook comments or w/e, but failed. When I see their facebooks, they're still tight and hanging out, but I'm left out. My parents worked really hard to support me financially for school and to live a good life, but I ended up wasting their money by not doing well in school and use that money for my own selfish purposes. Wasted probably thousands of bucks on cigarettes (since freshman year in hs) and alcohol. When someone would mess with me, I would literally make his or her life miserable. My best friends in high school, whom I really admired and felt so close to that I thought I'd never lose in touch with, flaked out on me (no joke but..) EVERY SINGLE TIME. Worst of all, I hated church and God because all this had to happen. Overall, you could say that I was a complete failure and deserved all the unlucky events that happened to my crappy life.

Yeah, when all that happened, it's safe to assume that in my mind, I was going completely insane (wouldn't you?). I honestly never felt so lonely and isolated. One day before my sophomore year in UCI, I was so bummed out that I actually turned to God and prayed for help and an answer to living a happy life. Ironically, my life seriously turned around. No joke, but everything had to do with the new church that I found to love with all my heart, and it definitely is, the greatest gift God has given to me. I was able to find a group of friends that love me for who I am. I started to do a little better in school (but I know that I can do much better). I can actually smile and say that today is going to be a good day. I don't find it necessary to say the term "FML" even if I have like 3 midterms in one day or just stupid stuff pplz say fml for. I actually love life and find the need to seek the Lord and obey his commandments. I was able to overcome such tough obstacles such as quitting smoking and drinking. I guess a lot of what turned out to be positive was because of the people I was hanging around with. One of my favorite bible verses can summarize what I mean. Proverbs 27:17 says that "As iron sharpens iron, man sharpens man." So true...

Right now as a junior, things are getting tough. But compared to my past and what I had to go through, this is so miniscule to me. During those failures and unfortunate events, I would just turn to releasing my anger and smoking/drinking to find alleviation. But I now realized that I'm glad I went through every single one of those failures/unfortunate events. I now look at failures as trials that hone your abilities and skills to life. It does make you tougher mentally.

Honestly I think a lot people still think to this day that I'm still a failure and deserve harsher punishment because of what I did in the past. But for me, their opinions don't matter. They can waste their time and build anger/hatred thinking about it. My mindset is to work hard while believing that my hard work will pay off. I feel like the world is just in a crisis with this economy and just this generation in general. There's so many non-believers out there that don't know Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior. Recently I've been praying about my future and what God wants me to do. At first, my intuition told me to go out and become a missionary. But to me, I honestly don't think I can be the best missionary with the abilities/characteristics God gave me (I think God thinks that too hahah..). I think what God's really telling me is to work hard and become a really good business man that makes a lot of money. Yeah, some of you are probably thinking right now, "wtheck, psshhh ok... that makes so much sense.." But I'll just say this, with the money I earn, I'm going to support the church and missionaries financially in order for them to do their very very best to spread the Gospel. With this economy, I noticed that churches and missionaries struggle because other members of the church can't support them financially with this economic situation. When it comes to money issue, its like a curse. But I pray that God will use me to break that curse and truly help churches and missionaries financially to spread the Gospel to non-believers so that one day, his Kingdom will reign every nation in the world. It's going to be really tough, but something I want to pursue in. I'm not going back on my word and never give up, because this is what God deserves after all those times I've completely turned my back on him. This is what I want to do now because God has given me his love, a loving family, and awesome friends that showed me that it wasn't the hatred and failures that changed me, it was love.