I don't update this often but I do need to make some clarifications.
So it took me a while to finally realize that it wasn't anybody's fault for me not going on summer missions and all the chaos that's been going on. It was completely my own fault because of my own anger problems and immaturity. There were a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication that lead to all these troublesome issues. From what I've heard, I heard that people are taking sides and there have been other broken relationships and whatnot because of what happened. Let me clearly emphasize just once, there was a reconciliation and an agreement to peace. I don't have anyone to blame for what happened to me because I was the one who failed to change the circumstances and instead I was being controlled by them. I'm also not holding any grudges about anything except the fact that I was stupid and could have done better. For people that took sides, there's no point to do so now because there was a reconciliation and both of us ended this misunderstanding by talking it out. If anyone that was on my side is pointing the finger, I'll tell you straight up to stop it now. I'm sure people that are pointing the finger at me, he would say the same thing.
Despite all that's happened, I can finally understand why all this had to happen. I have a huge spiritual issue right now and that is anger. Although I really wanted to serve on missions, leadership, and all these activities, I haven't been growing much because I have stones in my heart that's been blocking the roots to my spiritual growth. This reconciliation got rid of one big stone, but I still have other stones that's really blocking my spiritual growth. To be completely honest, I really don't want to list the other "stones"/issues that's hardened my heart. And I won't go into much detail about it in public, but all I'm going to say is that I have grudges against a few people that pulled off really shady acts and pissed me off in the past. I'm in the process right now trying to forgive and love them. I also really hate to admit this one, but I'm also battling a huge cigarette smoking addiction that's completely taking over me. Its shameful to admit this in public, being a former leader and whatnot, but I'm only stating this one because I know its something I can't overcome through my own willpower. In other words, I'm asking for a lot of prayer. I feel like hiding my sins just like I did in the past will only make me worse.
Pretty much, life's really tough for me right now. This is the first time I'll admit this but school is insanely hard. I've always gotten by through school by giving minimal effort and sometimes did really well, but this quarter is not the case. If I were to carry on the same study habits, I would literally flunk all my classes. I guess I'm at that peak in college where all my classes just have to be insanely hard with the most ridiculous professors. Not going to lie, one thing I really fear is trying my best and failing. I'm not as bright as people may think I am, but to me that doesn't matter to me. To me, I really think that it doesn't matter if you're smart or dumb. I think what really matters is the effort that really determines how far you will go.
I know I said in my deleted post that I may possibly move to a different ministry. Let me make a clarification that it won't happen and it never will. Pretty much the devil was giving me stupid thoughts about all the bad things that been happening and I happened to be the retard that fell for it. However, I'm still lost spiritually and feel like I'm broken into different pieces. I'm trying to find these broken parts in me and renew myself to be stronger mentally and spiritually. When the time comes, I'll know when to come back. Until then, I need to be really patient and focus on what I have to do first before making any actions to come back. I really don't know how long this will take, but I promise that I'll be back a lot stronger than before. I also really wanted to thank everyone who've been really praying for me. I really feel like its your prayers that's keeping me intact and not losing complete sight of God. I also thank my closest friends for your words of encouragements and that you guys still view me the same as I was before. I guess one thing I learned from all this is that learning to make good judgments comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgments. Next time, I'll know what to do. Until then, I need to keep seeking the broken parts in me and really try to overcome these battles not by my own strength but by the power of the Holy Spirit.
