Here comes the monthly update hahah. Well so far 2010 was going pretty smoothly. Just the usual go to school, go to church, work out, chill, just live a good life.
However, this week I really fell super hard spiritually. I guess I burnt out dealing with so much going on. This entry might be super emo and depressing, so if your not interested in my life, then you mind as well read something more useful and better hahah.. However its amazing how the bad things that happen can turn out to be better things as well. All I can say that God showed me true miracles after what I thought would not work out at all.
On Monday, I got cut off on the final round of the Northwestern Mutual internship interview after having so much faith that I'll be able to pursue in one of the top 10 internships in the US. After I "thought" that God told me to do an internship this summer and do STEM next summer, I knew from there that God wanted me to go to STEM this year. Told my dad that on the phone, he straight up said no because of his awareness for my future. And what sucks was that I told my dad to have faith in me in getting this internship and spending my summer efficiently. Although I thought he'd be disappointed, he just told me to try harder and even ask him if I ever needed help in finding one. So my only option in order for me to go to STEM was to find a spring quarter internship, which however was almost an impossibility because of how impacted it already was.
On Tuesday after doing some QTs and prayer, it was then I realized that I made a huge mistake. I was struggling to make a decision between STEM and interning, but the truth was, I was actually making interning a priority because all I could think about was my future. I want to pursue in my future in doing good by financially supporting churches and missionaries, but honestly, what am I really doing? Why am I excusing myself from doing missionary work and just saying my excuse to "support" missionaries and churches. God never said to just to "support" but also as a commandment to "GO" make disciples. I also remembered that last summer, I had to choose between summer school or STEM. At that time, I remember I didn't even pray about it and just took summer school for my selfish purposes in graduating early. However, I ended up failing a huge pre-requisite class with a 72.8% while 73% was passing. That pretty much screwed me over and that's when I realized I should have gone to STEM, which is why I was really struggling with my decision for this summer as well.
I really felt broken for putting myself in the wrong direction to begin with. I prayed that night saying that, "let faith be my guiding light, and I know that you will make things work out somehow someway because you are my father and love me boundlessly."
From Wednesday to Friday I had to deal with three midterms (did two all nighters), two midterms which I think I did pretty well (thank God...). At the same time, I was stressing out because nothing was working out with coming to an agreement with my parents and everything seemed so hopeless. When it hit Friday morning after doing a 2nd consecutive all nighter, I was dreaded physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually. What made matters worse, the midterm on Friday literally was so bs that nobody finished while the person sitting next to me was on number 6 while there were 15 problems on the test. Just looking at everyone sad that they weren't even able to finish half the test really unleashed the anger inside of me. I actually went up to the professor and told him that this test (although we are able to drop 2 out of 5 tests) was *expletive bull and unfair. Pretty much lost it from there and what made matters worse was while I was walking to my next class, some idiot white boy bumps into me and starting messing with me. From there I was on the verge to draw that killer instinct but luckily one of his other frat boys breaks it up. I don't remember what went through my mind but all I know is that it lead me to go smoke a pack of cigarettes to calm myself down after quitting for more than a year (mad guilt tripping here and edited this portion to hide shame but it really didn't do any good...). What made it worse? I was smoking in front of my little brother being the worst example an older brother can possibly do. What's weird is while I was calming down and after talking with my bro, Wesley out of nowhere called me and asked if everything was alright. I also got a text from Eunice asking me if things were alright and that my talk with my parents will go well. I guess it was that moment when I realized that God was telling me everything was going to be alright even though it really didn't seem like it was going to be.
I went home feeling like everything was hopeless. I didn't even plan to go to the Servant Team meeting even though it was the night before Happy Together because I was dead tired, pissed off, emotionally unstable, and I thought I was going to have like a 4 hour talk with my parents about my summer. However, right when I got home, I sat down and told them the situation I was in for like 5 minutes straight. What shocked me completely was that all my dad said was "OK fine, just go." In my mind I was like WTF!?, so I asked him again if he was serious. Then he was like "yeah that's right shekki, I am serious." From there I knew that God was right beside me and helping me when I needed it the most. Even though I had the roughest week of my life, it was also the most blessing as well. I felt so overjoyed and ended up going to the meeting and everything ran smoothly at Happy Together as well. That wasn't the only miracle that happened. During DT, I got a call from the New York Life Insurance company and they offered me an interview for their upcoming internship during spring quarter this upcoming Wednesday. Hahah honestly, I wanted to cry out of joy, and if I was alone in my room, I would have (but I was in public, so nah... I was just overly happy inside =]).
What a hectic week it was. Scary how bad things can really get in such a short time span. All I can say is that the only thing that kept me from completely losing control at that one scary moment was my faith that was small as a mustard seed. I think you can guess what I'm trying to say here. In Mathew 17:20 is states that "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
I can say that this was a bad week, but I think I've grown tougher from it and learned so much in a short time span. Now I'm ready to go out and do work for God. However, I am still weak and still need to keep seeking the Lord and obeying his commandments. I found my path to go, and that's a faithful walk with the Lord.
