Life
is wonderful, challenging, rigorous, hard, chill, and random/unexpected. At times I love it, other times I hate it. But one fact nobody can deny is that life is beautiful because God has given it to us. This year has been the only year in the 20 years in my life where I can say that I was able to live my life without much stress and hardships. I have a loving God providing me with so much and answering so many prayers. I have a loving family that loves me for everything I pursue in and believes in me for doing such great things in life. I have a loving group of friends that really helped me become more mature spiritually and mentally because they loved me for who I am. So overall, life is great and thank God for everything. However, I still need God's presence and grace even though everything is great because I am still weak and need much more to learn.
Spiritually
I have come a long way, but still have even a longer way to go. I would have never thought that I would ever get involved in church to the point where I really want to serve God by any means and carry a leadership role to set a good example for the younger class. My leaders from the past year really sparked my fire for God and helped grow tremendously through church, recomm, etc. I still need to stay consistent in bible readings, QTs, and daily devotion to God. It's tough to stay consistent but I'm really happy that I've been able to really pursue in all those activities for the sake of enjoying and receiving God's blessing.
School
sucks. Hahah had to bold it because it is. In high school, I was so used to never studying and getting good grades. However, did the same thing in college and it took me 7 quarters to realize that I need to get serious about school. My parents asked me today how I did last quarter and I was so close to lying about my grades. But I just told them how I did, and what struck me hard was that they said they still believe in me and that I am capable of doing great things in life. I almost teared up when I heard that because not once in my life did my parents ever get mad at me for bad grades. I thought it was because I always did well in high school, but I realized that during junior high and elementary school where I would get a lot of Ds and Fs on my report card, they would always encourage me to try harder and even hire tutors that would help me on subjects I got Ds and Fs on. This upcoming quarter, I really want to dedicate it not for the sake of myself doing well, but really for my parents. It's weird how my parents are so opposite from other Korean parents, but at the same time I am very blessed and encouraged to try my very best this upcoming quarter.
Hobbies
Kind of random but I've been enjoying working out to a whole new level, basketball (as always hahah), dancing (breaking, locking, popping, etc.), and church =]. People always call me a work out freak and I admit I am. People always ask me why I work out so much, so mind as well answer that question. I love working out because it relieves me physically and mentally. After a rough day or good day, I love to finish the long day off by going to the gym for a couple hours, lifting weights while listening to my favorite songs. A lot of people think that I workout because I want attention or try to impress a girl or something, but really I workout a lot because it helps me stay focused mentally and motivates me internally. Basketball, not much to say other than that its a sport I love to pursue in and watch. Hahah ever since I met Kobe Bryant at the arc, watching and playing basketball got even more fun for me and I don't think I'll ever get sick of the game =]. Dancing is something I would have never expected to get into but I love it. It's fun to watch dance videos on youtube and try to re-create those moves while listening to my favorite songs and make new choreo off that. Finally, going to church is not only my favorite duty, but also my favorite hobby now. I bet if I went back in time and read this, I wouldn't believe any of this. It's weird to say this but honestly, I love hearing sermons. Sometimes I do fall asleep because I am tired and all but really hearing sermons excites me, teaches me, rebukes me, encourages me, and motivates me. Although I do love going to church for fellowship, sermons, and all that, I should be going to church for serving and praising God (which I do love to do, but I still need to work on).
Relationships
Weird to say on a blog post but it's been on my mind after hearing about it from Pastor Francis at retreat. To be honest, I'm pretty apathetic when it comes to relationships. The reason why I've apathetic and not interested in relationships is because throughout high school, my friends would ALWAYS talk about, eventually get girlfriends for the shadiest and most shallow reasons, and see some harsh breakups. People usually feel shame because they're single. But people don't realize that being single is also a blessing because you're single for the first 25 years or so, then the next 50 or something years you're married. Throughout high school, I thought girls were frkn shallow and shady because the girls I hung around with in high school would always want prince charming with the best looks, personality, physique, money, etc. It's so stupid to even hear that when they themselves are not princess perfect with everything I listed above. Yeah pretty much, I thought girls were frkn stupid and shady throughout high school. However, when I started coming to church, I did find quite a few that made me think otherwise. Sometimes I do find myself a little shallow when it comes to judging a girl on looks. To be honest, the only thing I find unattractive in a girls' looks is if they are pretty damn fat (not chubby, but FAT...) and that's reality. I don't think anyone would want to date a frkn obese and fat girl/guy even though that girl/guy has a good heart. Basically, if a girl/guy cant take care of her/his own body, than that girl/guy cant take care of his/her man/woman (sorry if I sound like I hate fat people, but I don't and only against fat girls in relationships). But what I do find in people is that they only go for the best looks and set standards too high when they themselves aren't even in those standards. To be honest, I don't think I'm all that good looking and always thought that all girls were frkn shallow and shady. That lead me to become apathetic, but I didn't lose hope. I guess ever since I came to church, it kind of gave me second thoughts on girls. I actually saw girls that have a sweet personality/character and are not as shallow. But the most important thing that Pastor Francis mentioned was I should look a girl that loves God and will help me to grow in Christ together, which I do think is true. I don't know if I'm spiritually mature to pursue in relationships, but I'll leave that up to God and he'll let me know when I'm ready and grant me with the woman that's best for both me and her.
Myself
People tell me that I've changed tremendously over the past year. It's really encouraging to hear stuff like I have great potential and are really good to people. However, I still feel like I need to grow more. I'm still "respect me" and a little bit of "love me" heart motivated and at times I see myself carrying the negatives too far. I'm usually the type thats chill with anyone and really nice to people that respect me. However, there are a few people I just can't get along with because they disrespect me while I try to respect them. Also I noticed that I usually don't make the first move and for some people that disrespect me for who I am, I won't care about those people and have my own circle of friends that I love. I kind of wish I had a "like me" heart motive, but growing up during elementary school, I used to get punked on and made fun of because of my short height while not having many friends. I guess that's why I'm a little bit of "love me" and a complete "respect me" because I practically grew up getting punked on everyday. However, that factor changed when I had like a 13 inch growth spurt before middle school and ended up being filled with hatred and animosity to those that punked on me since elementary school. I guess that also lead me to a lot of anger and pride issues during high school as well.
Although I've been able to grow this past year and change as a person, I still carry an image of myself that shows my personal weaknesses. A lot of people say that I don't look friendly, look scary, and really unapproachable. It's tough because really deep down inside, I want to be friendly and be approachable. But I guess God made me this way for a reason that I don't know. Maybe God made me this way because nobody will punk on me after those horrendous elementary school days. However, I guess one thing I need to pray about is breaking those negative heart motives such as not making the first move, feeling bitterness to those that disrespect me, and being apathetic to those that never even come up to me even though we hang out in the same group of friends.
More random thoughts about 2009
I just realized that today (December 24th, 2009) is my one year anniversary of quitting smoking cigarettes on a consistent daily basis. I still can't believe that I was able to pull through. I won't lie but there was an instance in summer where I had one really bad day and smoked a couple cigz, but overall, I was able to break my addiction that I struggled with all throughout high school and the first year of college. Who would have ever thought that a 5 year smoker like me will be able to quit smoking for an entire year? I had doubts in myself, but I know that God knew I was capable of doing it. I also realized that I haven't partied in a while. I think the last party I went to was like end of my freshman year. It feels good to have fun being sober and I was never really a fan of getting drunk at parties. I think partying is a waste of life. People may say that life w/o partying is boring and dull, but I find my life w/o partying to be much more fun and enjoyable. Also the last random thought on my mind is going on missions this year. Right now, I'm so indecisive because I need internships/jobs so badly during this summer because it's going to really determine my future job once I graduate. I've been praying about it and still not sure if I have an answer. But all I can say is that once I do graduate, I will have a period of time when I will be able to go out to missions for a month or so. However, I still need to pray about it and ask God what's best for me and my future that's up ahead.
Other than that, 2009 was a breakout year for me. Loved it and will miss it. But here comes 2010 and I'm ready for another breakout year.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Letting that shame go and moving forward.
Wow its been a while since I did these xanga things. Tried to update my xanga, but forgot my pw to it -_-. So I was like wtheck, I'll just make this instead =P.
I think my last xanga post was just about when I was about to graduate high school. So much has happened since then. High school was already a hell past for me. So much failures, regrets, drama, etc. I've always tried to cover up my past, tried to stay positive, but really deep down inside, I was literally dying inside. But, somehow, everything just turned out to be the best and I also never imagined myself to be where I am currently at in my life. It's weird life just completely turned around after such a cruel past.
This week at church, Pastor Jeff's sermon was on shame. It's been one issue I'm sure everyone including myself have tough times with. It's because of my shame that people view me differently. Some people think I'm a nice and funny person as of me in the present. Others view me as a shady and hypocritical because of what I did in the past. People are probably confused of who I really am because of my past. Although I really didn't want to do this because I'm so used to hiding my shame, I'm going to let it go, to show people who I was and what really happened in my life in such a cruel past, that actually helped me become who I am today.
Looking back since my freshman year at UCI, my life has been nothing but failures and I could say a lot of harsh, unlucky, and unfortunate events had to happen. I was never able to find a group of friends that never cared for me. I always had the potential to do really well academically every quarter, but I always ended up screwing at the very end. I was a terrible son to my parents and the worst possible example to my brother. I tried to be good to my friends in high school, tried to keep in touch by leaving facebook comments or w/e, but failed. When I see their facebooks, they're still tight and hanging out, but I'm left out. My parents worked really hard to support me financially for school and to live a good life, but I ended up wasting their money by not doing well in school and use that money for my own selfish purposes. Wasted probably thousands of bucks on cigarettes (since freshman year in hs) and alcohol. When someone would mess with me, I would literally make his or her life miserable. My best friends in high school, whom I really admired and felt so close to that I thought I'd never lose in touch with, flaked out on me (no joke but..) EVERY SINGLE TIME. Worst of all, I hated church and God because all this had to happen. Overall, you could say that I was a complete failure and deserved all the unlucky events that happened to my crappy life.
Yeah, when all that happened, it's safe to assume that in my mind, I was going completely insane (wouldn't you?). I honestly never felt so lonely and isolated. One day before my sophomore year in UCI, I was so bummed out that I actually turned to God and prayed for help and an answer to living a happy life. Ironically, my life seriously turned around. No joke, but everything had to do with the new church that I found to love with all my heart, and it definitely is, the greatest gift God has given to me. I was able to find a group of friends that love me for who I am. I started to do a little better in school (but I know that I can do much better). I can actually smile and say that today is going to be a good day. I don't find it necessary to say the term "FML" even if I have like 3 midterms in one day or just stupid stuff pplz say fml for. I actually love life and find the need to seek the Lord and obey his commandments. I was able to overcome such tough obstacles such as quitting smoking and drinking. I guess a lot of what turned out to be positive was because of the people I was hanging around with. One of my favorite bible verses can summarize what I mean. Proverbs 27:17 says that "As iron sharpens iron, man sharpens man." So true...
Right now as a junior, things are getting tough. But compared to my past and what I had to go through, this is so miniscule to me. During those failures and unfortunate events, I would just turn to releasing my anger and smoking/drinking to find alleviation. But I now realized that I'm glad I went through every single one of those failures/unfortunate events. I now look at failures as trials that hone your abilities and skills to life. It does make you tougher mentally.
Honestly I think a lot people still think to this day that I'm still a failure and deserve harsher punishment because of what I did in the past. But for me, their opinions don't matter. They can waste their time and build anger/hatred thinking about it. My mindset is to work hard while believing that my hard work will pay off. I feel like the world is just in a crisis with this economy and just this generation in general. There's so many non-believers out there that don't know Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior. Recently I've been praying about my future and what God wants me to do. At first, my intuition told me to go out and become a missionary. But to me, I honestly don't think I can be the best missionary with the abilities/characteristics God gave me (I think God thinks that too hahah..). I think what God's really telling me is to work hard and become a really good business man that makes a lot of money. Yeah, some of you are probably thinking right now, "wtheck, psshhh ok... that makes so much sense.." But I'll just say this, with the money I earn, I'm going to support the church and missionaries financially in order for them to do their very very best to spread the Gospel. With this economy, I noticed that churches and missionaries struggle because other members of the church can't support them financially with this economic situation. When it comes to money issue, its like a curse. But I pray that God will use me to break that curse and truly help churches and missionaries financially to spread the Gospel to non-believers so that one day, his Kingdom will reign every nation in the world. It's going to be really tough, but something I want to pursue in. I'm not going back on my word and never give up, because this is what God deserves after all those times I've completely turned my back on him. This is what I want to do now because God has given me his love, a loving family, and awesome friends that showed me that it wasn't the hatred and failures that changed me, it was love.
I think my last xanga post was just about when I was about to graduate high school. So much has happened since then. High school was already a hell past for me. So much failures, regrets, drama, etc. I've always tried to cover up my past, tried to stay positive, but really deep down inside, I was literally dying inside. But, somehow, everything just turned out to be the best and I also never imagined myself to be where I am currently at in my life. It's weird life just completely turned around after such a cruel past.
This week at church, Pastor Jeff's sermon was on shame. It's been one issue I'm sure everyone including myself have tough times with. It's because of my shame that people view me differently. Some people think I'm a nice and funny person as of me in the present. Others view me as a shady and hypocritical because of what I did in the past. People are probably confused of who I really am because of my past. Although I really didn't want to do this because I'm so used to hiding my shame, I'm going to let it go, to show people who I was and what really happened in my life in such a cruel past, that actually helped me become who I am today.
Looking back since my freshman year at UCI, my life has been nothing but failures and I could say a lot of harsh, unlucky, and unfortunate events had to happen. I was never able to find a group of friends that never cared for me. I always had the potential to do really well academically every quarter, but I always ended up screwing at the very end. I was a terrible son to my parents and the worst possible example to my brother. I tried to be good to my friends in high school, tried to keep in touch by leaving facebook comments or w/e, but failed. When I see their facebooks, they're still tight and hanging out, but I'm left out. My parents worked really hard to support me financially for school and to live a good life, but I ended up wasting their money by not doing well in school and use that money for my own selfish purposes. Wasted probably thousands of bucks on cigarettes (since freshman year in hs) and alcohol. When someone would mess with me, I would literally make his or her life miserable. My best friends in high school, whom I really admired and felt so close to that I thought I'd never lose in touch with, flaked out on me (no joke but..) EVERY SINGLE TIME. Worst of all, I hated church and God because all this had to happen. Overall, you could say that I was a complete failure and deserved all the unlucky events that happened to my crappy life.
Yeah, when all that happened, it's safe to assume that in my mind, I was going completely insane (wouldn't you?). I honestly never felt so lonely and isolated. One day before my sophomore year in UCI, I was so bummed out that I actually turned to God and prayed for help and an answer to living a happy life. Ironically, my life seriously turned around. No joke, but everything had to do with the new church that I found to love with all my heart, and it definitely is, the greatest gift God has given to me. I was able to find a group of friends that love me for who I am. I started to do a little better in school (but I know that I can do much better). I can actually smile and say that today is going to be a good day. I don't find it necessary to say the term "FML" even if I have like 3 midterms in one day or just stupid stuff pplz say fml for. I actually love life and find the need to seek the Lord and obey his commandments. I was able to overcome such tough obstacles such as quitting smoking and drinking. I guess a lot of what turned out to be positive was because of the people I was hanging around with. One of my favorite bible verses can summarize what I mean. Proverbs 27:17 says that "As iron sharpens iron, man sharpens man." So true...
Right now as a junior, things are getting tough. But compared to my past and what I had to go through, this is so miniscule to me. During those failures and unfortunate events, I would just turn to releasing my anger and smoking/drinking to find alleviation. But I now realized that I'm glad I went through every single one of those failures/unfortunate events. I now look at failures as trials that hone your abilities and skills to life. It does make you tougher mentally.
Honestly I think a lot people still think to this day that I'm still a failure and deserve harsher punishment because of what I did in the past. But for me, their opinions don't matter. They can waste their time and build anger/hatred thinking about it. My mindset is to work hard while believing that my hard work will pay off. I feel like the world is just in a crisis with this economy and just this generation in general. There's so many non-believers out there that don't know Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior. Recently I've been praying about my future and what God wants me to do. At first, my intuition told me to go out and become a missionary. But to me, I honestly don't think I can be the best missionary with the abilities/characteristics God gave me (I think God thinks that too hahah..). I think what God's really telling me is to work hard and become a really good business man that makes a lot of money. Yeah, some of you are probably thinking right now, "wtheck, psshhh ok... that makes so much sense.." But I'll just say this, with the money I earn, I'm going to support the church and missionaries financially in order for them to do their very very best to spread the Gospel. With this economy, I noticed that churches and missionaries struggle because other members of the church can't support them financially with this economic situation. When it comes to money issue, its like a curse. But I pray that God will use me to break that curse and truly help churches and missionaries financially to spread the Gospel to non-believers so that one day, his Kingdom will reign every nation in the world. It's going to be really tough, but something I want to pursue in. I'm not going back on my word and never give up, because this is what God deserves after all those times I've completely turned my back on him. This is what I want to do now because God has given me his love, a loving family, and awesome friends that showed me that it wasn't the hatred and failures that changed me, it was love.
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