Wow its been a while since I did these xanga things. Tried to update my xanga, but forgot my pw to it -_-. So I was like wtheck, I'll just make this instead =P.
I think my last xanga post was just about when I was about to graduate high school. So much has happened since then. High school was already a hell past for me. So much failures, regrets, drama, etc. I've always tried to cover up my past, tried to stay positive, but really deep down inside, I was literally dying inside. But, somehow, everything just turned out to be the best and I also never imagined myself to be where I am currently at in my life. It's weird life just completely turned around after such a cruel past.
This week at church, Pastor Jeff's sermon was on shame. It's been one issue I'm sure everyone including myself have tough times with. It's because of my shame that people view me differently. Some people think I'm a nice and funny person as of me in the present. Others view me as a shady and hypocritical because of what I did in the past. People are probably confused of who I really am because of my past. Although I really didn't want to do this because I'm so used to hiding my shame, I'm going to let it go, to show people who I was and what really happened in my life in such a cruel past, that actually helped me become who I am today.
Looking back since my freshman year at UCI, my life has been nothing but failures and I could say a lot of harsh, unlucky, and unfortunate events had to happen. I was never able to find a group of friends that never cared for me. I always had the potential to do really well academically every quarter, but I always ended up screwing at the very end. I was a terrible son to my parents and the worst possible example to my brother. I tried to be good to my friends in high school, tried to keep in touch by leaving facebook comments or w/e, but failed. When I see their facebooks, they're still tight and hanging out, but I'm left out. My parents worked really hard to support me financially for school and to live a good life, but I ended up wasting their money by not doing well in school and use that money for my own selfish purposes. Wasted probably thousands of bucks on cigarettes (since freshman year in hs) and alcohol. When someone would mess with me, I would literally make his or her life miserable. My best friends in high school, whom I really admired and felt so close to that I thought I'd never lose in touch with, flaked out on me (no joke but..) EVERY SINGLE TIME. Worst of all, I hated church and God because all this had to happen. Overall, you could say that I was a complete failure and deserved all the unlucky events that happened to my crappy life.
Yeah, when all that happened, it's safe to assume that in my mind, I was going completely insane (wouldn't you?). I honestly never felt so lonely and isolated. One day before my sophomore year in UCI, I was so bummed out that I actually turned to God and prayed for help and an answer to living a happy life. Ironically, my life seriously turned around. No joke, but everything had to do with the new church that I found to love with all my heart, and it definitely is, the greatest gift God has given to me. I was able to find a group of friends that love me for who I am. I started to do a little better in school (but I know that I can do much better). I can actually smile and say that today is going to be a good day. I don't find it necessary to say the term "FML" even if I have like 3 midterms in one day or just stupid stuff pplz say fml for. I actually love life and find the need to seek the Lord and obey his commandments. I was able to overcome such tough obstacles such as quitting smoking and drinking. I guess a lot of what turned out to be positive was because of the people I was hanging around with. One of my favorite bible verses can summarize what I mean. Proverbs 27:17 says that "As iron sharpens iron, man sharpens man." So true...
Right now as a junior, things are getting tough. But compared to my past and what I had to go through, this is so miniscule to me. During those failures and unfortunate events, I would just turn to releasing my anger and smoking/drinking to find alleviation. But I now realized that I'm glad I went through every single one of those failures/unfortunate events. I now look at failures as trials that hone your abilities and skills to life. It does make you tougher mentally.
Honestly I think a lot people still think to this day that I'm still a failure and deserve harsher punishment because of what I did in the past. But for me, their opinions don't matter. They can waste their time and build anger/hatred thinking about it. My mindset is to work hard while believing that my hard work will pay off. I feel like the world is just in a crisis with this economy and just this generation in general. There's so many non-believers out there that don't know Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior. Recently I've been praying about my future and what God wants me to do. At first, my intuition told me to go out and become a missionary. But to me, I honestly don't think I can be the best missionary with the abilities/characteristics God gave me (I think God thinks that too hahah..). I think what God's really telling me is to work hard and become a really good business man that makes a lot of money. Yeah, some of you are probably thinking right now, "wtheck, psshhh ok... that makes so much sense.." But I'll just say this, with the money I earn, I'm going to support the church and missionaries financially in order for them to do their very very best to spread the Gospel. With this economy, I noticed that churches and missionaries struggle because other members of the church can't support them financially with this economic situation. When it comes to money issue, its like a curse. But I pray that God will use me to break that curse and truly help churches and missionaries financially to spread the Gospel to non-believers so that one day, his Kingdom will reign every nation in the world. It's going to be really tough, but something I want to pursue in. I'm not going back on my word and never give up, because this is what God deserves after all those times I've completely turned my back on him. This is what I want to do now because God has given me his love, a loving family, and awesome friends that showed me that it wasn't the hatred and failures that changed me, it was love.
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