A Decision

No im not Lebron James. LOL, but ironically there was a decision I've been wrestling with the past months or so.

First of all before I get into this, I really want to thank everyone who looked up to me and really built such great friendships over the past couple years in ecollege. Ever since coming to ecollege in my sophomore year in college, I feel like God has blessed me so much through this ministry and yet God still provides so much more than what I need. You guys who supported and encouraged me even in my darkest moments in life are the ones that truly saved me from a nightmare I could have possibly fallen completely into. Seriously, you guys have no idea how much I truly care and love for you from the bottom of my heart.

Second, the decision I've been wrestling with is becoming a recomm leader. To me, it was devastatingly surprising how so many of you guys actually think I would be a great leader despite all the trouble I caused the past months. At first, I really thought you guys were just saying it out of encouragement for me to feel better. But I realized you guys were serious, and its still hard for me to understand and soak it all in. I'm very shocked, and at the same time very encouraged with all your words.

I hope you guys understand my decision and I will do my best to explain and elaborate on this decision. After much praying and talking to the staffs and pastors, I realized its best for this ministry and myself if I don't become a recomm leader this upcoming year.

It's really tough for me to not give back what my previous leaders have given to me in Irvine recomm and this ministry. It's really disappointing for me as well after people had so much expectations from me, and all I can say is that I've decided not to do it. Really though, I'm going to be brutally honest as I can in this post. Some of you guys will find this really shocking, and might think of me differently. But definitely you guys will understand why its best for this ministry and myself why I shouldn't be a recomm leader.

A lot of people have different opinions about me. Some think I'm a friendly and good guy that likes to help people with their struggles and do what I can to encourage them. Others think I'm a mean and prideful "respect-me" that won't approach others and could care less about trying to be friends with people that never approach me. I think both answers are true. I realized I'm only good to the ones that get along great with me. To the others I don't have much contact with or can't get along well with, yeah I don't really approach them and do really care less. To me, that already blows enough whether I would be a leader or not. It really hinders my growth and walk with God as well as my relationship with everyone in the ministry as a whole.

People say to me that nobody is fully ready to become a leader. True, but to me I think it's not a matter of me "to become a leader." I think what's the MOST IMPORTANT matter to me is my personal growth and walk with Jesus. I think a lot of people, including myself, misunderstood that if you want to grow, you have to join leadership and serve. To be honest, yeah I do think it helps your growth, but for me, I was in leadership last year and I thought I grew a lot the past year. If you noticed, look how I said "I thought I grew." Its hard for me to say, but the entire past year, even with joining Servant Team and Discipleship Training, I was only fed knowledge on the word and got the driving motivation to go out and spread the Gospel. Yet, I wasn't able to apply anything I learned into my own life because I was only focused on trying to serve and help the ministry. I had huge stones deep inside my heart that was really blocking my personal growth that I never realized. These huge stones consisted of bitternesss from my past, pride, hatred, temper problems, and an unknown violent rage I didn't even know that existed in my heart. All these stones were like gasoline that was constantly leaking in my heart. If I had realized it sooner, I would have tried to confess to people and to God about these issues and take it more seriously. Unfortunately, I didn't take it seriously at all because it seemed like a lot of other people were going through the same issues that I did, so I thought this was normal. And I got the worst of it, that leaking gasoline struck on fire and everything burned and crumbled away. Everything that was going good went bleak, and I was living a nightmare I didn't anticipate at all because things were going so well.

Rather than becoming a leader, I feel like these issues I need to take care of is much more important. When I think about it, its true many leaders aren't fully qualified when first joining. However in my case last year, I was totally unqualified to begin with, joined leadership, found out that I wasn't capable, thought that everything became a waste, caused a wreck in the ministry, and was on the sharpest verge to leave church forever and find a new life somewhere else. If you guys can understand by now, its really dangerous for this ministry and more for myself if I were to risk becoming a leader at the current state I'm in right now. It was hard for me to listen that I just wasn't ready, but knowing the truth seriously opened the new gates of a wonderful opportunity I'm about to receive. I can finally attempt to get rid of these stones hindering my growth and really focus on deepening my own roots with Jesus.

One day when those roots truly nourish, I'll finally be able to have a fire for God that can't be burnt out as easily. I hope all of you guys can truly understand this. Even though some of you guys have things to say to change my mind, I'll be thankful for the encouragements but it won't change this decision. I'm more than willing to still be the same brother I would be whether I become a leader or not. I'm more than willing to still be the same friend that you guys can turn to, because I'll still be more than willing to listen and help anyone thats struggling or needs accountability. I'm more than willing to still be that chill and carefree boy who's down to do anything at anytime for the sake of having fun and building deeper friendships. For those that took the time to read this, I thank you first for taking the time to actually read what I wrote and because you care for me. But secondly and most importantly, please pray for me to take this very seriously.