Long Time No See Bloggg

It's been a while since I updated this thing. I don't know if anyone still uses blogspot now that everyone seemed to move on to Tumblr. Yet, I'm going to continue to write on this because this is where I will post up more deeper and personal things on here anyway. To me, I guess this is like a personal diary now since not many people would be reading this.

So far, its been about 4 months into 2011. So far its been a real blessing. I graduated UC Irvine with a BA in Business Economics with a minor in International Studies. I really thank my parents for putting me through school and working hard to keep me in school. I've also been blessed to go on STEM. Last year it was really tough to deal with, but I'm so thankful and blessed that God gave me a second chance and I can't be any happier than I am now. I'm also really thankful that I'll be going to Japan this summer to do kingdom work for God and I want to give it my very best and all for the people of Japan as they're facing tough times since the devastating earthquake.

Although I wished I could have just ended my post there with all the blessings, once again I'm faced with huge challenges. Recently my dad lost his job and right now our family is going through a huge financial crisis. Right now we're in the process of moving out to a smaller house and right now I'm paying off all my bills and expenses. One thing I couldn't get off my head was when I realized how much money could have been well invested if I just did my absolute best in school. My dad worked his frkn heart off and probably spent a good $70,000 on me to go to school, yet all I did was slack and goof off during my time in school. I even made things worse myself when I gave up on graduate school just because I couldn't get any financial support. I could have still tried really hard and try to pull off some scholarships, yet I still chose to gave up. Many people wondered why I suddenly stopped trying in school, why I started to ditch class the entire quarter, and pretty much took school like nothing. I always told everyone that "I didn't care about school", and that "I was just lazy." Yes, I was able to pull off some good grades whatnot, but the reason why I stopped trying was not because of the things I said. I suddenly gave up because I so depressed that I wasn't going to graduate school. I made plans since my sophomore year, was getting ready, researching on everything I could, and towards my junior year when I found out that it wasn't financially possible for me, I threw it all away out of agony and depression. I always told people that I didn't care and was just lazy, but the real reason I gave up was because I was tormented inside and felt like everything was just pointless for me.

When I found out that our family was going through a financial crisis, it really put a huge burden of guilt in my heart. I seriously felt like a waste of money and time after I graduated school. I could have done so much better, yet I chose to just not try and gave up so easily. Even though God blessed me with a career path to go into actuary, I still felt like such a failure and shame to everyone, especially my family. I always joked around and it seemed like I was happy when I tell people that I didn't try in school, but really deep down inside, I was so filled with guilt. Thinking of myself as failure just reminded me of the things I did in the past. It only put more and more guilt into my heart. I've seriously done the stupidest and shadiest things possible, and I always blamed it on my rough childhood for making me become so heartless.

This past Sunday, God truly broke me. When Pastor Jeff spoke on the Second Coming of Christ and focused on the urgency of getting prepared, it really reminded me more of what I should have done in college. During the intercession of prayer, PJeff asked for those that felt like a failure to raise their hands and stand up before God. Literally, I felt like the most absolute biggest failure and sinner before God. When PJeff said that God doesn't view me as a failure, I did my absolute best to hold back my tears. I haven't shed a single tear since high school and always thought that crying in front of people is only what a weak man would do. When some people were putting their hands while praying for me, I tried even harder to hold back my tears. Slowly and slowly, my eyes were watering and eventually I broke down in heavy tears. I was not only crying, but actually raining in tears. People were praying really hard for me, and I even heard someone praying in tongues for me. I think that was the most I've ever repented in front of God. I've repented a few times, but never out of sorrow and desperation in tears.

What God told me that day was to just follow his lead, because his lead will never fail. This past month, I was researching on entry level actuary jobs and realized that California is definitely not the place for entry level actuary jobs. Even right now, it's becoming more and more imminent that I'm probably going somewhere in the East Coast for the entry level actuary job. I can't imagine just leaving EVERYTHING behind and going to a city I've never lived in while knowing absolutely nobody there. Yet, I was relieved when God showed me a vision on that Sunday. God showed me that even though I may be out of California for possibly a year or two, God will send me back to California once I faithfully fulfill my duties in the East Coast. I'm actually excited for whatever is ahead of me. Today I found out that there are quite a few entry level actuary jobs in New York City. Started researching on the apartments I can possibly live in and its finances as well. If I happen to go to the East (or even better miraculously find an actuarial job in So. Cal), I just pray that I will never doubt God for whatever happens. God already showed me that I'll be back in So. California, get a permanent home and job in So. Cal, get married in So. Cal, raise my kids where I grew up, and best of all, being able to go to Sarang Community Church in Anaheim to worship God. More than anything, I pray that God will continue to shape and mold me so that I will be able to give it my very best and all for God's kingdom to come. I need to always be reminded that Jesus will come back unexpectedly, and I need to be prepared for that glorious day to come. Even though it may not come in my lifetime, I need to make sure that everyone around me (such as my kids and their future generation to come, coworkers, friends, etc) in the future will be aware of this because that is what a kingdom worker does for the glory of God.

Other than that, that's all I have left to say. I have no clue when I'll update this blog again and I have no clue who'll read this. But seriously, for those that read it, I'm so blessed and thankful for you guys actually caring about me. You guys should tell me that you read my blog so that I can pray for you guys as well hahah. This was a long entry, and I can't believe some of you guys actually take the time to read it. But anyways, let's all be urgent and ready for whatever God has in store for all of us.