Haven't updated in a while. Mind as well update since I have some free time for once.
As of right now, academically its really tough for me. I've never faced anything like this with 4 upper division major classes that would be so ridiculously hard with the most insane professors. Yet at the same time, I'm learning a lot and the challenge I'm facing might pay off later on. Didn't do too well on midterm, but didn't do too bad (thank God for curves hahah).
As of life in general, things were excruciatingly painful and rough the past months. Church, family, people, school, and pretty much everything was going wrong. However, I felt like today was one day where I can honestly admit that I was joyful and free from pain for once. It's been about 2 months since I haven't gone to church or recomm because of the personal issues and struggles I was facing. Thankfully because of all the prayer support and encouragements people have been blessing me with, I've decided to at least come back to recomm as a first step. While I was slowly walking to recomm, I won't lie, a lot was going through my mind. I was extremely nervous, hesitant, ashamed, embarrassed, and scared to show myself in front of my entire recomm after all that's happened. However, right went I came in, the only thing I got from my recomm was the warmest welcome I could have possibly received. I've never felt so welcomed and blessed to have brothers and sisters that truly accept and love me for completely who I am. Words can't explain the overflowing joy and relief I was feeling when all I saw was smiles and open hands. Throughout the past months, people I considered my friends seemed to turn their backs on me; getting judged by other people; not getting invited to some hangouts and special events; facing twists to that one incident; not knowing what to do with all that's been going on. However, all I can say is that there was one group of people that has been truly caring for me and missing me was the blessed Irvine Recomm. The only brothers and sisters that will support me and love me even though I've failed tremendously as a leader and brother in Christ. Even when I first came to Sarang, what initiated my spiritual life and devotion to Christ was the brothers and sisters that I grew with the past years in Irvine Recomm. I feel like this is a really good second start for me.
I know people have been saying that I could be a potential recomm leader one day and I've heard people say different and negative things about me becoming a recomm leader after that incident. All I'm going to say is that the negative things won't affect me at all anymore. I will dedicate myself to serve in Irvine recomm next year because I truly love every member in the recomm and want to do the very best for every brothers and sisters in the recomm. Even though as of right now I may not be ready, I really hope and pray that God will use me somehow and someway to change my heart and help me overcome my spiritual issues and struggles so that I will be ready to serve with a loving heart.
To my recomm, I truly thank you once again. I also apologize for all the troubles you guys might have been facing because of what I have done. And to others that's also been supporting me with prayer and keeping me accountable, I also truly thank you guys too for still accepting and loving me for who I am. You guys don't know how much it encouraged me when you guys said that I'm still the same to you and that you guys still considered me a loving and caring brother to you despite all that's happened. Thank you guys so much from the bottom of my heart.
I felt like today, I've made a huge recovery. However, I'm still recovering and still need prayer. This might sound stupid and nonsensical after what I just wrote but I still need some time off from church. I still feel like its not the right time to come back just because I made an earlier comeback with recomm. Honestly though, I don't think I'll be gone for too long. Who knows, maybe I might be back really soon or later than what others might think. I don't know, but I'll leave that one up to God. Right now I'm still weak and definitely not ready. However, I promise that I'll be back a whole lot stronger, renewed, and ready to face anything that's ahead of me. For now, I'm going to take things step by step instead of rushing things. Really though, I'm desperately missing a lot of people, especially those that have been really encouraging me and still loving me for who I am. Sometimes I just want to come back just to see those people. But I know that's completely wrong because that's not the reason why I should make any comeback. I need to have a renewed heart and be ready to serve God filled with the Holy Spirit. Until then, I'll focus on what I have to do first before making any hesitant moves.
