Life
is wonderful, challenging, rigorous, hard, chill, and random/unexpected. At times I love it, other times I hate it. But one fact nobody can deny is that life is beautiful because God has given it to us. This year has been the only year in the 20 years in my life where I can say that I was able to live my life without much stress and hardships. I have a loving God providing me with so much and answering so many prayers. I have a loving family that loves me for everything I pursue in and believes in me for doing such great things in life. I have a loving group of friends that really helped me become more mature spiritually and mentally because they loved me for who I am. So overall, life is great and thank God for everything. However, I still need God's presence and grace even though everything is great because I am still weak and need much more to learn.
Spiritually
I have come a long way, but still have even a longer way to go. I would have never thought that I would ever get involved in church to the point where I really want to serve God by any means and carry a leadership role to set a good example for the younger class. My leaders from the past year really sparked my fire for God and helped grow tremendously through church, recomm, etc. I still need to stay consistent in bible readings, QTs, and daily devotion to God. It's tough to stay consistent but I'm really happy that I've been able to really pursue in all those activities for the sake of enjoying and receiving God's blessing.
School
sucks. Hahah had to bold it because it is. In high school, I was so used to never studying and getting good grades. However, did the same thing in college and it took me 7 quarters to realize that I need to get serious about school. My parents asked me today how I did last quarter and I was so close to lying about my grades. But I just told them how I did, and what struck me hard was that they said they still believe in me and that I am capable of doing great things in life. I almost teared up when I heard that because not once in my life did my parents ever get mad at me for bad grades. I thought it was because I always did well in high school, but I realized that during junior high and elementary school where I would get a lot of Ds and Fs on my report card, they would always encourage me to try harder and even hire tutors that would help me on subjects I got Ds and Fs on. This upcoming quarter, I really want to dedicate it not for the sake of myself doing well, but really for my parents. It's weird how my parents are so opposite from other Korean parents, but at the same time I am very blessed and encouraged to try my very best this upcoming quarter.
Hobbies
Kind of random but I've been enjoying working out to a whole new level, basketball (as always hahah), dancing (breaking, locking, popping, etc.), and church =]. People always call me a work out freak and I admit I am. People always ask me why I work out so much, so mind as well answer that question. I love working out because it relieves me physically and mentally. After a rough day or good day, I love to finish the long day off by going to the gym for a couple hours, lifting weights while listening to my favorite songs. A lot of people think that I workout because I want attention or try to impress a girl or something, but really I workout a lot because it helps me stay focused mentally and motivates me internally. Basketball, not much to say other than that its a sport I love to pursue in and watch. Hahah ever since I met Kobe Bryant at the arc, watching and playing basketball got even more fun for me and I don't think I'll ever get sick of the game =]. Dancing is something I would have never expected to get into but I love it. It's fun to watch dance videos on youtube and try to re-create those moves while listening to my favorite songs and make new choreo off that. Finally, going to church is not only my favorite duty, but also my favorite hobby now. I bet if I went back in time and read this, I wouldn't believe any of this. It's weird to say this but honestly, I love hearing sermons. Sometimes I do fall asleep because I am tired and all but really hearing sermons excites me, teaches me, rebukes me, encourages me, and motivates me. Although I do love going to church for fellowship, sermons, and all that, I should be going to church for serving and praising God (which I do love to do, but I still need to work on).
Relationships
Weird to say on a blog post but it's been on my mind after hearing about it from Pastor Francis at retreat. To be honest, I'm pretty apathetic when it comes to relationships. The reason why I've apathetic and not interested in relationships is because throughout high school, my friends would ALWAYS talk about, eventually get girlfriends for the shadiest and most shallow reasons, and see some harsh breakups. People usually feel shame because they're single. But people don't realize that being single is also a blessing because you're single for the first 25 years or so, then the next 50 or something years you're married. Throughout high school, I thought girls were frkn shallow and shady because the girls I hung around with in high school would always want prince charming with the best looks, personality, physique, money, etc. It's so stupid to even hear that when they themselves are not princess perfect with everything I listed above. Yeah pretty much, I thought girls were frkn stupid and shady throughout high school. However, when I started coming to church, I did find quite a few that made me think otherwise. Sometimes I do find myself a little shallow when it comes to judging a girl on looks. To be honest, the only thing I find unattractive in a girls' looks is if they are pretty damn fat (not chubby, but FAT...) and that's reality. I don't think anyone would want to date a frkn obese and fat girl/guy even though that girl/guy has a good heart. Basically, if a girl/guy cant take care of her/his own body, than that girl/guy cant take care of his/her man/woman (sorry if I sound like I hate fat people, but I don't and only against fat girls in relationships). But what I do find in people is that they only go for the best looks and set standards too high when they themselves aren't even in those standards. To be honest, I don't think I'm all that good looking and always thought that all girls were frkn shallow and shady. That lead me to become apathetic, but I didn't lose hope. I guess ever since I came to church, it kind of gave me second thoughts on girls. I actually saw girls that have a sweet personality/character and are not as shallow. But the most important thing that Pastor Francis mentioned was I should look a girl that loves God and will help me to grow in Christ together, which I do think is true. I don't know if I'm spiritually mature to pursue in relationships, but I'll leave that up to God and he'll let me know when I'm ready and grant me with the woman that's best for both me and her.
Myself
People tell me that I've changed tremendously over the past year. It's really encouraging to hear stuff like I have great potential and are really good to people. However, I still feel like I need to grow more. I'm still "respect me" and a little bit of "love me" heart motivated and at times I see myself carrying the negatives too far. I'm usually the type thats chill with anyone and really nice to people that respect me. However, there are a few people I just can't get along with because they disrespect me while I try to respect them. Also I noticed that I usually don't make the first move and for some people that disrespect me for who I am, I won't care about those people and have my own circle of friends that I love. I kind of wish I had a "like me" heart motive, but growing up during elementary school, I used to get punked on and made fun of because of my short height while not having many friends. I guess that's why I'm a little bit of "love me" and a complete "respect me" because I practically grew up getting punked on everyday. However, that factor changed when I had like a 13 inch growth spurt before middle school and ended up being filled with hatred and animosity to those that punked on me since elementary school. I guess that also lead me to a lot of anger and pride issues during high school as well.
Although I've been able to grow this past year and change as a person, I still carry an image of myself that shows my personal weaknesses. A lot of people say that I don't look friendly, look scary, and really unapproachable. It's tough because really deep down inside, I want to be friendly and be approachable. But I guess God made me this way for a reason that I don't know. Maybe God made me this way because nobody will punk on me after those horrendous elementary school days. However, I guess one thing I need to pray about is breaking those negative heart motives such as not making the first move, feeling bitterness to those that disrespect me, and being apathetic to those that never even come up to me even though we hang out in the same group of friends.
More random thoughts about 2009
I just realized that today (December 24th, 2009) is my one year anniversary of quitting smoking cigarettes on a consistent daily basis. I still can't believe that I was able to pull through. I won't lie but there was an instance in summer where I had one really bad day and smoked a couple cigz, but overall, I was able to break my addiction that I struggled with all throughout high school and the first year of college. Who would have ever thought that a 5 year smoker like me will be able to quit smoking for an entire year? I had doubts in myself, but I know that God knew I was capable of doing it. I also realized that I haven't partied in a while. I think the last party I went to was like end of my freshman year. It feels good to have fun being sober and I was never really a fan of getting drunk at parties. I think partying is a waste of life. People may say that life w/o partying is boring and dull, but I find my life w/o partying to be much more fun and enjoyable. Also the last random thought on my mind is going on missions this year. Right now, I'm so indecisive because I need internships/jobs so badly during this summer because it's going to really determine my future job once I graduate. I've been praying about it and still not sure if I have an answer. But all I can say is that once I do graduate, I will have a period of time when I will be able to go out to missions for a month or so. However, I still need to pray about it and ask God what's best for me and my future that's up ahead.
Other than that, 2009 was a breakout year for me. Loved it and will miss it. But here comes 2010 and I'm ready for another breakout year.
